Founded in Blood
by Adi88
Summary: Felix Adler once said of family that it is a school of duties, founded in love. For the Sohmas, it is a school of love... founded in blood. A chronicle of past New Years'. [Inverse.]
1. Chapter 1

AN: Here we go… I know I should be working on sequels, and I am, but this prequel just needed to be written. It was begging me. So it kinda got finished first.

Things to know: This – at least the "present" parts – takes place the year before Tohru came, back when Akito was still in absolute control, or thought he was. It takes place in my standard AR 'verse, for which I'm going to have to think up a name at this rate. Basically it's just little differences, and some not so little (the Kureno stuff, Akito having actual powers and being Not Spoiler). So anything from another story I've written applies to this one. If it takes place after (Hatori) then obviously it won't have much bearing, but it is destined to happen.

On with it then!

Disclaimer: I'm saving up, but no. Not yet. None of this is mine. And what I've saved up isn't even going to get me through college, so… never.

Dedication: Finally, Katia-chan! One of her very own. A brilliant authoress. This one's all for you, sweet Aya.

* * *

Buffy: If you feel so alone, why do you work so hard to be popular?

Cordelia: Well, it beats being alone all by yourself.

-_Buffy the Vampire Slayer_, "Out of Mind, Out of Sight"

Chapter One

Present

Powerful. Large. Wealthy.

Three words that sum up the Sohma family very aptly. Not, perhaps, words that spring to mind at the description "cursed," but nonetheless, a perfect summary.

And the reason behind our power, size, and wealth? That same curse.

It's common sense really. If your family has a curse like this, there are things that need to be done. If anyone with a drop of Sohma blood can give birth to an aberration with little warning, then every single one of them needs to be kept track of. A secret of such magnitude needs to be protected against the outside, and as any leader will tell you, nothing draws people together under absolute and centralized power like a threat from outside.

With so many people at the beck and call of one, many talents are available for utilization. Money follows size.

And in our family, a propensity for attractive, intelligent, cutthroat people has been selectively inbred for centuries.

Size, wealth, and centralization lead to power.

The culmination of this work, it seems to me, is here and now. How, after all, could any juunishi be more perfect than mine? When have we been more powerful?

When has any family head been more in control?

It is tiring, of course. Caring for _every last thing_. Intelligent they may be, but another trait that has proved useful to the survival of the Sohmas and has been bred over generations is obedience to the Head, and they ask me first.

Always. For everything.

And I am less than well.

I have Kureno and Hatori, however, and it is not weakness to delegate some tasks to them. How could it be, when they are part of me? They belong to me, live because of me, it's them and their compatriots… they're the reason I'm sick.

I hate them.

But I love them so much, and I'm too kind a person to…

What would I do without them?

Especially my juunishi, but truly, all of them. The entire clan, this parasitic entity that will swallow my brief life.

Sometimes they're so careless. Children, really, all of them. Naïve children, and they're lucky they have me to take care of them.

And sometimes they forget that, get carried away with their insipid everyday lives.

One wonders at times what has become of good old-fashioned family values and loyalty.

But not at New Year's. At New Year's they all remember.

And they all return to me.

* * *

Eight Years Earlier

"Akito-kun?" Shigure sounds surprised, looking down at me from his room's door. In theory, the room is his for times like this – the third day of the New Year's stay – but he's there nearly all year around. His parents don't care.

"What are you doing out of bed, love? At this hour, no less?" He grins, steadying a glass of water in one hand. "Couldn't stay away, ne?"

I glare up at him. "Are you going to invite me in, or should I set up camp out here?"

"Ah, of course! Excuse me, my manners…" He steps back and sweeps a low bow. "Please, Akito-kun, welcome to my humble abode. By all means, make use of all its… comforts." His grin slips into a leer that I am certain is inappropriate when speaking to a ten-year-old but which I don't mind.

He ushers me in, already chattering, oblivious even as his attention never leaves me. "You're just in time, Akito. I'm babysitting Gura-chan and Rit-chan until their parents get back to their rooms from the party, and I was _going_ to make them go to bed seeing as it's past nine, but now I suppose you're the resident authority and I no longer need pretend to be someone I'm not." We're in the small, warm, opening room, but I don't take it in yet, watching him. "Someone responsible," he elaborates.

"And Kagura's mother honestly let you watch her daughter?" I enquire, turning to the others slowly.

"Akito! I am shocked and wounded!" He protests, walking over to where Ritsu and Kagura, on the floor by a game board, have scuttled to their knees to drop their bows. "Are you suggesting that our Gura's mother would not be willing – nay, pleased! to leave her daughter in my tender care? That I would have to resort to such underhanded, unworthy tricks as, for example, telling her that Ha-san would be here?" He giggles guiltily.

"As for example," I echo mockingly as he sets down the glass of water by Ritsu, who whispers a mortified thanks.

Their eyes never leave me, uncertain what to expect, and I tilt my head, smiling. While I glide to them, their eyes get bigger. Such pretty brown eyes…

I coil my fingers in Ritsu's hair and raise an eyebrow at Kagura. "Well?" I snap. "Aren't you pleased to see me?"

Spell broken, she grins. "Of course we are, Akito-sama! Do you want to play too?" She gestures to the game and I drop onto Ritsu's lap.

I glance at the board and reply scornfully. "No. And Ritsu, do not say anything." I can feel the apologies – for not playing a better game, being a better person, not making me happy – building in the twelve-year-old, making his heart thud against my back.

He claps a hand to his mouth, choking them off as no one but I can make him do.

"All right then," Shigure acquiesces, settling down on the third side. "We've been making the rules up a bit, anyway. It'd be a bit erratic for you."

I narrow my eyes at him. He isn't going to fool me into playing.

"It's called Life," he adds. "And I have three children already!" He taps a plastic car with three plastic sticks in the back, one pink between two blue. "Can you imagine?"

"I believe I'll watch," I say decidedly. "It should be amusing."

"Oh, Life always is," he agrees.

And the doors to the room slam back.

Shigure looks at my face and then turns slowly. "Ren-sama," he says complacently. "What brings you here? Looking as ravishing as ever, I see."

Mother looks at him in puzzlement, then shakes her head and turns to me. "Akito," she says slowly, "I do not know what game you think yourself to be playing, but you shouldn't be up this late. You could get… sick."

"That is an excellent point," Shigure says. His voice is perfectly neutral, as close as I've heard him to truly angry. "Any child could get sick, wandering around these rather drafty halls this late at night in the winter. Especially one in Akito's fragile health. Wearing nothing but a yukata, not even socks." His voice has been progressively dropping in temperature, and now it's frigid. "Now, I wonder why he would feel he had to do that?"

Mother's eyes slit, just the way mine do.

"My son," she breathes, "will accompany me now."

I start to stand and Ritsu's arms tighten around my waist, his heart stuttering.

"Um, Ren-san," Kagura offers with a winning smile and innocent eyes, "I'd like Akito-sama to stay. We would take care of him for you!"

Mother's eyes widen and she steps forward, thrusting Shigure aside.

Maybe she wouldn't have hurt Kagura. Maybe she would only have grabbed me. I didn't wait to find out, because it wouldn't matter in the end.

The result would be the same; no one can protect me from her.

No one protects a god.

I shove Ritsu's arms aside and stand abruptly. My foot hits his glass.

The water crashes over the board, soaking paper money and washing away tiny people. I've caused a flood.

I keep seeing her hand colliding with Shigure's shoulder.

My Shigure.

Seeing what she might have done to Kagura.

My Kagura.

Mine.

I take her hand, and behind her Shigure watches us intently, having nudged things just a bit and waiting to see what happens.

"Let's go back," I say.

She hesitates, and then nods. "Yes."

We start back silently, slicing through the night air.

* * *

When we reach my rooms, though, I stop before we're inside and in clear view of the few servant's in the halls, blocked from returning to their work by their usual route by our presence.

She whirls on me, and I stare up at her, thinking about why I love her and waiting for the silence to shatter.

Because she doesn't fear me.

I think about being a god, and being alone, and how she's the only one, the only one who really knows how human I almost was. How she's the one most invested in my not being human.

How she was all I had tying me to that.

The slap explodes across my face, making my head spin and stars dance. And I'm frightened, because she's an adult and she's stronger and I'm… just a child.

She grabs my shoulder and turns to drag me into my room, and from the corner of my eye I see my Yuki trying to get past the old woman, who's grabbed his arms, both of them remaining silent.

I've hurt him so many times, and he'd help me if he could.

I see his disbelieving, expectant gray eyes for just a moment, and then I see Shigure's darker gray orbs, freezing cold. He wanted something, expected something.

He didn't defy Ren, didn't put her in this mood, for nothing.

So maybe what I do next is fueled by their love and support, by the fact that even without her I have family to keep me human.

Maybe it's fueled by my own despair and the realization that what she's told me since before I could hear is true.

I'll never be human. And I'll always be alone.

Yuki stares, still disbelieving. I hurt him. I don't get hurt.

I jerk my shoulder free and turn to the servants before they can disperse. Aside from the old woman with her hands on Yuki – for which she will pay – there are two younger ones and a burly man.

I point to him imperiously. "Ren-sama is unwell. You will escort her to her room and see to it that she stays there."

"What?" Mother stares at me. The expression on her face would be comical under different circumstances, I suppose.

"_Now_."

He walks forward slowly, stalling, gaze darting between us like a child trapped between warring parents.

I meet her eyes, the lightless eyes I've inherited from her. _Go on. Tell him to stop. Tell him not to listen to me, that I'm just a child. _

_Tell them, please tell them I'm not a god. _

_I dare you. _

She hangs her head, face slack with shock.

Her feet drag as he leads her away. A high priestess, since my birth that's all she's been. All she has. She can't give that up.

It will be the very thing that destroys her.

_But I'll take care of you. _

"Yuki." He comes quickly, awed and frightened. Maybe all I wanted was not to have our positions reversed, not to be humiliated in front of him.

_After all, we are family. _

_

* * *

_

AN: An author can survive indefinitely without reviews, but the damage to higher brain functions can be catastrophic…

Sorry, I just watched _Deep Down_. Anyway, please review, and I promise as always, I won't get mad no matter what you say. Be honest.

Oh… all of the juunishi will have a chapter, and Aya's will be up this weekend. I didn't know what order to go in, but I wanted Akito and Yuki to bookend, regardless of who went first and last, so I ended up going alphabetically. Though Isuzu is under R, because I didn't remember in time that Rin is a nickname…

All in all, this thing will be very similar to _For Their Hearts_, only about everyone instead of that special five. And no one's gonna die. Probably.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: For dedication, disclaimer, etc., see the first chapter. Wow, I think I really don't have anything to say here for once. Oh, no, wait, one thing. The "dimly aware that I must look like a dead flower to Gure-san…" thing isn't just recycled, it's meant to hearken back to Yuki's rag doll thought in _For Their Hearts._ Involution, I'm a fan. There was a lot of it in that fic, come to think of it…

One more thing – I know that first Yuki and Kyo and then another person skip out on New Year's without too much, y'know, death, but I'm chalking that up to Tohru's influence and Akito's loosening grip. Thus the references to skipping being out of the question here, a year earlier.

Disclaimer: All of it's Takaya Natsuki's. Or Natsuki Takaya's, depending on which continent you're on.

Dedication: Remains the same throughout. She deserves more. If you haven't read Katia-chan's stuff you're missing out on some of the best _Furuba_ fanfics there are.

* * *

I may leave a great impression

As I race through a succession

Of the latest crazes, chase the newest fads

I feel better when beguiling

Find that fashion keeps me smiling

But in my heart I know

It's rather sad…

- Amneris, _Aida_, "My Strongest Suit (Reprise)"

Chapter Two

Present

I don't quite know how to feel about New Years.

I know how to act, of course. I know how to act about everything. But how to feel…

I love it. I love the festivity and crowds and the happiness. The feelings of Christmas and Halloween all rolled up into one big holiday.

I hate it. I hate this cage of a family, that none of us have a choice but to come. Any family member must ask Akito's permission to be absent, but we juunishi needn't even bother. Even the question could have extremely unsavory results.

So it's nice to know, at least, how to act.

Exactly as I always do.

"Akito-sama!" His doors are open, likely because the stream of genuflectors has made closing them more of an inconvenience than anything else, so I fly through them without breaking pace until I collapse at his feet in a swirl of blue cloth. "I apologize abjectly for being late, I know I said I'd be here at two but the shop simply would not –"

"Ayame."

I look up and beam hopefully, knowing those black eyes won't have in anger in them. Not towards me, not today.

True to expectation, Akito is watching me with exasperated puzzlement. "And I brought your flowers!" I add, tongue set free by his lack of fury, whisking out the scarlet bouquet and holding it up for him.

He reluctantly takes the roses and gardenias, running his fingers through them. "Why do you find it so difficult to simply arrive on time?" He asks wearily.

"Oh, I don't find it difficult!" I reply happily. "It just never happens. Something always seems to come up. But you're not angry, are you? Not with someone contrite as me?"

A reluctant smile tugs at his lips, and he waves his hand in dismissal. "You may go prepare yourself. And Ayame –" I stop in the doorway, having flung myself to the exit with the enthusiasm I give to everything (no more, no less, because that simply wouldn't do), "thank you for the flowers."

I drop another bow and smile. "You are most humbly welcome, Akito-san."

I walk away happy that he liked them.

We both know I hate him as much as I love him, that I avoid him most of the year and try harder than any of them to blame him and hate us both when I can't.

And none of it matters. Not today.

* * *

I barrel my way into Tori-san's office a few minutes later, having wended my way through the obstacle course of servants and guests in the hallways. 

"Haa-saaaan," I call, swinging myself around the door, "Is the doctor in?"

"Hello, Ayame," he says wearily.

"Tori-san, are you overflowing with effulgence to see me? You are, aren't you?" I throw my arms around from behind before he can finish shelving his book.

"Ecstatic," he says with emotion that passes zero into negative numbers.

"I know, I know! So, why are you not dressed up yet? Ah, you want my help, of course! I will help you to find the perfect outfit!" I clasp my hands, imagining him in an outfit befitting his majesty. Of course, he will by requirement wear something special, and he always looks wonderful regardless, but something truly… Well, I could design something really perfect for my Ha-san.

"No."

"Ooh…Tori-san…"

He deigns to turn and instantly shakes his head. "I don't like that tailor's gleam in your eye."

"But Ha-san would make such a _great_ model…"

"_No_."

Before my poignant lamentations can begin to ring forth, the door bursts open yet again and our curly, blond rabbit leaps in, resplendent in traditional dress robes.

"Ha'ri, would you come – Aya-nii!" He squeals, spotting me and throwing himself into my arms.

"Momitchi-kun!" I exclaim, catching him and lifting him above my head. "How you've grown!"

I stagger, realizing abruptly that it's a fourteen-year-old I've hoisted into the air, and prepare to allow gravity to reassert itself.

Undoubtedly, we would have ended up in a heap on the floor, but Tori-san reaches around from behind, catching my torso between his arms and Momitchi in his hands. Momitchi-kun, of course, is chortling fit to burst. "Ha, mein nii-sans! I grew too much for you!"

"You did indeed, Momitchi-san," I agree, as he is lowered gently to the ground. "And, aside from your newly-affirmed prodigious height, you've given Aya-nii a rare and precious gift!"

"I have, I have? What is it?" Huge brown eyes blink innocently up at me.

"Ha-san has embraced us _of his own volition_!" I cry, twirling in the arms only just dropping away to kiss his cheek. "A beauteous gift indeed!"

Ha-san gives one of his huffy little sighs, stepping back and leaning against his desk. "Stop exaggerating."

"Ah, but it's true!" I reproach. "Isn't it, Momitchi-kun?"

"Ja, Ha'ri! You're awful compared to Aya-nii and Shii-chan!" The little boy chortles gleefully.

"Well, compared to _them_," Tori-san says as if this makes it all right.

"And everyone else," I insist. "Even Rit-chan is more affectionate than you!"

Hatori sighs the sigh of one who has suffered long and will suffer longer, then steps forward and catches me around the waist and by the hand. He whisks me around once in half of a dance, dips me backward, and sets me upright again.

Before I can comprehend what's happened, he's stepped away and is lighting a cigarette with an air of satisfaction.

At our doubtless identical shocked expressions, he says, "What? A fair trade, isn't it? Now neither of you call me out for lack of physical affection until the next New Year."

"Done," I manage, grabbing the cigarette and stubbing it out in his ashtray.

_Don't think. He didn't mean it that way and you of all people should know it. _

"What did you want?" He adds, looking to Momitchi after glaring after his lost poison. He really must be under a great deal of pressure.

"Oh – yes! Kisa's nervous about her dance and we thought maybe you could say something to her about how good she'll be only you're very busy so she didn't want to bother you and then I found her and her robes had a tear and they were getting fixed, but Haru poked his finger on a pin, but it isn't bad, but we thought that you could come and tell Kisa how incanting she looks."

Ha-san stares in awe at this breathtaking display of nonstop chatter, but luckily he has a lifetime of experience with it and recovers quickly. "Enchanting, you mean," he corrects absently while checking his watch with those glowing purple eyes, one dulled and milky but no less beautiful. "And yes, I'll see to Hatsuharu-kun's… ah… cut."

"Yay! And you, and you, Aya? You'll come too, won't you? You'll be able to mend the tear better anyway, so that it's perfect, right?"

"Of course," I say, grateful for the distraction. "Aren't you fortunate to have such chivalrous cousins!"

Momitchi-chan's face splits into his heartbreakingly cheerful grin and he grabs my arm, dragging me away with a strength that makes me ponder jumping into his arms next time. "Ja, we're so lucky!"

* * *

Ten Years Earlier

I walk quickly through the back gardens, shivering. It's cold, and while the robes for the dance I've recently performed are beautiful, they aren't terribly practical for wandering about at night in the winter.

Still, I was good. I know that instinctively. Yes, I was good at both dances.

I can see their faces… Akito's, entranced and then, when I was done, approving. I dislike him, hate how Gure-san's eyes rarely left him the entire time, but something inside of me finds peace only in that look.

Toshio's, red and sweating and ecstatic. I was good at that too. Probably I shouldn't have tried finding out right before the banquet, when I'd be alternately sitting and dancing for hours, but…

"Hey, Aya." He's there, waiting. Tall, thin, with short black hair, bangs, and purple-blue eyes. "Wow. Some outfit." He kisses my nose. "You look fabulous."

"Yes, I know." I flip my hair back over my shoulder, grinning. "But you may continue to praise me."

He smiles faintly, and may actually have done so, but I add, "Actually, Toshio-kun, we need to talk."

He laughs just a little. " 'We need to talk?' Now that sounds ominous. Sort a clichéd breakup line, isn't… it…" I look up at him expectantly and his expression fades to disbelief. "You're not… Are you serious? But we just –"

"Shared a beautiful and intimate experience which each of us will treasure all of our lives!" I finish, clasping my hands. "The sweet memory will remain long after our relationship has ended, and naturally I will always hold a special place in your heart –"

"Stop." His lips look numb. "Before you actually offer to still be friends. Aya, I don't understand. Why are you doing this? Is it Akito-san?"

"Ah, Toshio-kun, let us not dwell on –"

"No." He steps closer, grabbing my arms and holding too tight. "Tell me why you're doing this. I thought… I thought you were happy with me."

I sigh. I had hoped to avoid unpleasantness; people act so oddly sometimes. "I was." _I wasn't._ "You were wonderful, a dream come true." _You couldn't know I wasn't; I never let you in._ "But that was then. I think we would both benefit from moving on." _I never even noticed you were there. _

I know my tone is careless, but I don't care. That's the whole problem.

I don't care.

His fingers tighten on my arms until they truly hurt, and he doesn't notice any more than I deigned to notice his pain. Then he steps back, releasing me.

His lips move soundlessly, and then finally he says, "Oh."

And he walks away.

_There, that's done. _

_

* * *

_

I don't cry until I'm back in my room at the Main House.

But I should know better than to think I'll get away with it alone.

Dimly aware that I must look like a dead flower to Gure-san, crumpled, flowing robes and hair tangled around my fetal position on the bed, I wait. It becomes apparent that he's not going to leave.

Through my tears, ashamed of my puffy eyes and refusing to look up, I grate, "What."

"Ooh, nothing. Ebullient Aya is sobbing, rumpling a magnificent piece of clothing and mussing his hair while he's at it, but nothing, really. No 'what.'"

He crawls onto the bed beside me, smoothing my hair away so that he can find my face. And lie there without pulling it.

The protective cloud of silver dissipates as he tucks it behind my ears and snuggles down to lie facing me, lifting my chin. "Come on, Aya-chan. Tell me?" He coaxes with puppy-eyes.

"…I broke up with Toshio," I hedge.

"Ah?" His expression never changes, his silence forcing me to continue speaking.

"I dumped him," I add, and can't keep going.

"But we both know Aya didn't really give a fig for that rather less than intelligent, if perfectly sweet, boy, so why is Aya so upset?"

"I…" I bury my face in my hands before it crumples where he can see it, tears starting again. "I screwed up." Gure-san stays silent, stroking my hair. "I just… this stupid festival, and I have to be happy and not mess up the dance and try not to embarrass Mother… it was just a lot of pressure, and being with Toshio… it felt good, and it was relieving, so we just didn't stop where, you know, we usually did…"

My words are jumbled, edges grinding, not flowing as they should. And I know I look awful.

_Why is he still here? _

"Aya…" Shigure sighs. "I love you. I will always love you."

"What? Gure-san… I'm a slut. I proved them right. Mother and Father, they were right. I don't care about him, I enjoyed it but it wasn't… and, my first time, I always though it would be –"

"Ha-san!" Gure cuts across, and my stomach twists. "Look who's here."

"You did tell me to – Ayame?"

_No, not him! _

I can't say anything, I just concentrate on not crying, but it only gets harder and I'll just get gasps if I keep it up.

"What's wrong?"

_I've even made Tori-san worry. _

Through my fingers, I see Gure-san's hand lift, middle finger raised, as he sits to face our friend.

"What did I do?" Tori-san protests blankly.

_And I'm glad he's worried, worried for me. _

"Ha-san, you do know what that means?" Gure-san replies, horrified.

"It means something specific?"

_I'm shameless. _

"It _symbolizes_ something. You're going to be a doctor, Ha-san, figure it out."

"Oh." A beat. "_Oh_."

I'm a whore and a cruel one and he won't even hate me, he's so… god, he has to now though, he's so conservative and…

"Were you safe?"

"Wh – what?" I finally sit upright, keeping my tear-stained, splotchy face locked behind my fingers.

"Did you use protection? And, forgive me for making assumptions about the dynamics of a relationship I know very little about, were you hurt?" He sounds so calm.

I pry my cover away and force myself to meet his eyes, force him to meet mine.

He looks concerned. Not angry, not disgusted, not even surprised… though, why he should be…

I start laughing, semi-hysterically.

I tell myself it's only semi, at any rate.

"We were safe. And I'm fine." _Mostly._ "And I dumped him. He was meaningless."

"I'm sorry." He steps closer, hands in his pockets. "But if he didn't mean anything, why are you crying?"

"I… I don't know…"

Gure-san puts a hand on my shoulder. "He thinks he's wonton. A slut, I believe the phrase was."

Ha-san sits slowly down on my other side. "…"

They can't say I'm not. They can't know, can't prove it, can't change me or anything else.

It's not as if this is a new thing, really. I've been doing everything but _it_ since I was thirteen or fourteen. But that was usually with Gure-san, and as long as I didn't actually have sex I could tell myself Mother was wrong, even if the line was thin to the point of laughable…

Gure-san puts an arm around me and leans my head on his shoulder, and Ha-san puts his arm around me from the other side, saying, "We love you, Ayame."

"You better believe it," Gure agrees, running his fingers through my hair.

So they can't change anything. So I might be proving Mother right.

So I can't change anything, and I'm proving Akito-san right and so are they.

"_Aya… I love you. I will always love you." _

I do care. I care about _them. _

I loop my arms around them both.

"I do believe."

* * *

AN: Review! Review! Beautiful, wonderful reviews. 

Ah – I know Ayame can actually pick Yuki up, but I'm figuring the angle was wrong with Momiji. Why? Because it works better that way. I'm so ashamed, but yes.

And since Aya's up early, Ha-san'll be up this weekend instead.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: I actually have very little to say here for once… um… For disclaimer and dedication, see previous chapters. For real this time; I know I went a little redundant last time. The flashback part takes place during and slightly after the events in Akito's flashback.

* * *

Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.

_-Bible: Ecclesiastes, XII, 13 _

_

* * *

_

Chapter Three

Present

I have no idea what exactly I am expected to say, or why Momitchi and the others thought I would be of assistance. Flattery is not my strong suit.

Still, once I have seen to Haru's infinitesimal wound – which luckily did not drip blood on his dance costume – I turn to Kisa.

The eleven-year-old is resplendent, certainly, and would look very ladylike if she wasn't nearly green with stage fright. Confidence, I suppose, is what she needs, but I am woefully inadequate in granting self-assurance.

Ayame, however, is watching me with shining, childishly confident eyes between his chattered sentences, fingers flying along the tear on Kisa's hem.

Feeling rather an idiot, and a futile one at that, I make a conscious decision to reach out and pat the girl's orange hair. "You look lovely."

It comes out as cold and stiffly as everything I say, but Kisa smiles shyly and whispers, "Thank you, Hatori oji-chan," and Aya beams approvingly.

And then amply compensates for my shortcomings by spouting his usual eloquent prose, making comparisons to dawn, the ocean, and several different flowers.

"Down, boy," Hatsuharu says, but all three of them look pleased.

The door opens and Hiro walks in, looking bored. He's seen Kisa in her costume before (he'd claimed he didn't want to and Shigure began making comparisons to the tradition of a groom not seeing the bride in her dress before the wedding, which changed his mind quickly) but he falters at the sight.

Kisa looks significantly more at ease.

"I'll leave this to you then," I say, checking my watch again. Dress, check on who's made it so far, answer the million questions family and servants won't want to ask Akito, report to Akito myself and pray that he's not in a sudden plunge in health…

I dissuade Ayame from accompanying me to change and start on the "one quick question" walk to my rooms.

Kureno was in charge of most of the planning and could answer all of the questions far better than could I, but Akito would be most unhappy with that arrangement.

I run through everyone I know to be here again and come up short still, but the main concern is assuaged when I look out the window and see the meandering figures.

_There's time yet. _

I wait by the door as Shigure wanders in, looking around with interest at the people and decorations. Behind him, I can see Yuki folding in on himself, closing off whatever small bits he's allowed out, living away.

"Oh, Ha-san! Did you come to meet us? How sweet!"

"Don't start, Ayame and Momitchi were just doing that."

"Ah, no, I wasn't segueing into your coldness, Ha-san. I was going to say that, as adorable as it is, Akito-san doesn't appreciate our chit-chatting before we see him," Shigure says, waving his finger at me.

"I need to see him myself. I'll walk with you," I say firmly.

_I need to keep him in a good mood. _

I tell myself that this is because it is far more practical to have Akito-san not throwing things at a family festival – there are skeletons in our closet, dust we've swept under the rug, and it helps our family to operate if their contact with Akito is limited to computer and letter, seeing him only when he is not acting unstable.

I know that isn't all there is to it.

I look at Yuki and feel sick, but know that it changes nothing. We can't be happy unless he is.

God's in his heaven, and all is right with the world… 

Shigure nods to my statement, reaching back and pulling Yuki up to him with an arm around the shoulders. I doubt it helps, but the boy doesn't pull away.

Keep everything from shattering for just three more days, four more nights… 

The closer we get to Akito's rooms, the quieter things become, until almost the only sound in the wing is Yuki's ragged breathing.

Shigure's usual burbling chatter seems to have dried up, and only when we're just out of earshot of Akito's room does he release Yuki.

There are things we don't mention. Things that can't be made vocal and real because there is nothing we can do about them.

Or, worse, there is… we could change them if we tried. But we don't. Because Akito wants them this way.

I watch Yuki become visibly calm, almost content, and know it's an act. To protect himself, to protect us.

I rub a hand against my forehead on the left side, covering my eye, and it makes almost no difference in my view.

Because god wants them this way, and that makes them right.

We walk into the room and Akito brightens in his blacklight way, reaching like a child for Shigure's embrace as the dog says all the right things.

He relishes Yuki's perfectly concealed terror, and settles for holding the younger boy's hand while he gives me half of his attention.

And things hold together a little longer.

* * *

Eight Years Earlier

I sit on the edge of my bed in the Main House for the nights of Sanga Nichi, the days spent in this house.

And, at this rate, in this room.

"You are not going to do this."

My father paces up and down the room in measured, careful strides.

"You are not going to throw your career away. A private practice, certainly, once you've completed your internship. No son of mine, no high-status Sohma, is going to work in some public hospital. But the family doctor… that will mean next to no contact with the outside medical community. Your achievements, should you in fact make any tending stuffed noses and bruised knees, will go completely unappreciated. Surgery, Hatori, that is where greatness lies. You could do it, we both know that. And you want to play family vet?"

He turns to me, face a picture of disgust.

_I've always done what you told me to do. Everything you told me to do. _

Until I announced my decision yesterday before the banquet. To enter the accelerated medical program and become the official Sohma family doctor within only a few years.

He told me it was not an option, ignoring the fact that this had been my assumed course by our Head for years.

I left the room.

Now, I don't believe I'll be leaving this one any time soon.

"Father," I say evenly, "Even if I agreed with your view, Akito-sama does not. The decision is ultimately his."

"Don't hide behind Akito. You and that Shigure boy could talk him into having your birthdays proclaimed national holidays."

I could laugh at that. Yes, Shigure holds some sway, but only if used sparingly and well, and I hold none at all.

"Hatori," he says, and almost there is a note of pleading in his voice. "Do you honestly want this? Is this all you want out of life? …Say something!"

I wonder vaguely why, as he isn't going to listen, and say, "If you truly think this only a waste of my career, than all I can do is ask that you respect my decision."

He doesn't understand, or he wouldn't ask what I want.

Akito wants this.

He stiffens, and then slowly exhales. "You can stay in here until you come to your senses and stop acting like a childish brat," he says in clipped tones, and then he turns and leaves.

I lie back on the bed, letting out a long, slow sigh.

We've never been on the best of terms.

Compared to Ayame and Shigure, I've no right to complain, whatever they think. My father has never hit me arbitrarily, like Aya's parents – not that he's one to spare the rod, but only when I've actually done something wrong, not because he's in a bad mood. Shigure's parents… it's worse than having their memories erased; they never needed to. It was no tragedy for them. They simply never cared for or paid attention to their son. My father certainly has never ignored me.

In fact, I'm only second in his priorities. First and foremost, he is a brain surgeon, renowned throughout Japan. Second, and above all but his work, he is a father. Father of a boy who will become a surgeon, preferably neural, and who will be internationally famous.

I am not supposed to disappoint him.

I always have.

I've done extremely well academically – not pride but fact. I know as much as most college graduates, and have only just graduated high school.

But I should have graduated early, should have kept better company than "those two," should have… been better.

I'll never stop desiring his approval, striving for it even. However, there is one thing that tonight has helped me come to terms with. I will never have it. And that I don't need it. It won't kill me. I'll move on.

No, I don't need him.

The door opens, and I sit up expecting Ayame and/or Shigure, but my line of vision continues to track down until it finds crow-black hair and darkened eyes in a small, pale face.

"Akito-san?" Puzzled, I nonetheless slide from the bed to kneel on the floor, half from respect, half to bring myself to eye-level. "Is something –"

As he walks toward me, I note that the shadow on his cheek does not change as the light in the room slides over his face.

_She doesn't usually hit him where it shows. _

"Have you seen Shigure?" He enquires. "His rooms are empty." He sounds calm, but his eyes are narrowed in a sign of impending pain if he is not instantly gratified, narrowed just as Aya's are on those rare occasions he is angry.

"Not recently… Will you let me see to that before it bruises?" I reach out slowly, giving him every chance to indicate that my touch is not wanted, but he doesn't move, and my fingers dance around the red mark gently. "He'll probably be by here soon, at any rate."

"Very well." Some of the tension leaves his tiny shoulders, crisis averted.

He slips onto the bed while I fetch some of my first aid supplies, kept handy nearly constantly in this family. "Why will Shigure be by soon?"

"He has a nose for trouble," I respond dryly, turning his head to see his cheek. _Not unlike yourself. _

"What trouble is going to bring him here?" His voice acquires the lilting intonation it takes when prodding another's wound.

"My father and I had a disagreement. This is going to be cold." I spread the cream over the rapidly darkening redness, nearly a handprint but not quite fitting on his small face, and eventually give in to his pointed silence. "Our views on my career are different."

"Oh." He sounds dismissive. I wonder idly if he would sound the same if Shigure told him something like this. "But you will do as I say."

Something occurs to him and he pulls his head free to face me. "You will, won't you?" Because you love me more?"

"Akito," I sigh, "it's not about whom I love more."

His frowns, small fists clenching. "Answer me!"

I want to argue the point, try to show him that it love isn't a simple competition, but I don't. We never do.

"Yes," I say helplessly, realizing that, in the most basic way, it's the truth.

He smiles, one of his hands curling in my shirt. "Good."

"Now let that sit for a minute and –"

"It's slimy."

" – I'll get it off."

He twists the material of the shirt around his fingers, eyeing the coiled cloth as if fascinated. "I had Ren-san removed from my presence. She won't hit me again."

I stare at him silence.

_People go all their lives without that kind of strength. _

I should be happy, purely happy, but some small part of me is unnerved by the inhumanity of it in contrast to the other Sohma children's silent suffering.

_That, then, is human…?_

And his eyes dart to me, almost anxiously, as if seeking approval.

"…Good." I put my hand over his on my chest.

"Yes." He smiles, his sweet smile, and looks like nothing but a little boy.

I check my watch, tearing my eyes away, and pull out a cloth. "It shouldn't bruise now."

As I wipe away the cream as gently as possible, he instructs me, "Now take me to Shigure."

It occurs to me that I'm grounded, but I believe I've found a replacement as well.

"For an hour. Then you need to get some sleep."

He reaches out to be carried, and I pull him into my arms, standing. He weighs nothing.

"…Very well." He drops his head onto my shoulder, a warm bundle of limbs. His arms lock around my neck, but even on the way to find Shigure, they fall away, limp and trusting.

* * *

AN: There's Ha-san. I feel guiltier every time I write him. At any rate, there we are, and please review! 


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Mainly what I need to point out here is that, in my 'verse… which really needs a name… I'm gonna call it the In-verse. Because I like involution and, in ways, it is the inverse of the canon.

Anyway! In the In-verse, Haru and Rin are not a couple. For obvious personal reasons (Yuki/Haru obsession).

The reason I'm not making Rin an unrequited love victim is that she's just too cool. I mean, yes, it does give unlimited angst possibilities. But I just don't want her sapping over some guy, even a guy as wonderful as Haru. I'm aiming for an on-her-own-two-feet place.

Whoot! And this is up very early, because today (5/9/06) was supposed to be the Bitch Day of Death, but has abruptly cleared up.

For disclaimer and dedication, see the first two chapters.

* * *

I see more than anybody realizes because nobody's watching me.

-Xander, _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_, "Potential"

* * *

"My oh my, don't you both look radiant!" Sensei is already beaming from ear to ear as he sweeps in, giving Kisa's and my costumes lecherous once-overs. "Come and give Shigure oji-chan a hug, Satchan!"

Hiro objects loudly, but Ayame proves far more effective in the area of guarding Kisa's virtue with his own calls for attention.

And I'm not really paying attention to any of it, because Yuki walked in behind Sensei and is now hovering by the door.

My world, like the view on a lens wiped clean and focused, snaps into detail and fastens on him.

"Hello, Haru," he says wearily as I claim his arm. But instead of shifting away, he leans closer, and I wrap both arms around him. I'm a bit taller at the moment, even without my boots, though that will doubtless change one way or the other soon. We tend to have growth spurts at opposing times, shooting me above him or vise versa once every few years.

"How're things?" I query.

"Fine," he says, and I mouth it along with him. He always says that. "Haru…"

I shrug, smiling. I like how he stays cuddled close. He's like that at the Main House. It's only because he's scared and tired of being scared, but it's still nice. Especially with how cold he's gotten outside. It's okay; I get how he feels.

And my feeling this way is okay too. I mean, I could waste time feeling guilty, but if there were a way to get him out I'd do it in a heartbeat. So that's all fine as well.

"I actually just came to see you and Kisa in your outfits," he adds, and I steer him into the hallway before Ayame can actively not notice him and not just because Sensei's there to take up his attention. Good thing he is – he'll watch Momiji and the others while I'm busy.

"But I can't stay long. Akito wants me back in his rooms."

"I'll come with. He likes me."

"It's all right, Haru." He smiles a little, not a prince smile but not a real one, either, not a happy smile. "Hatori will be there, and anyway there isn't time… I think he honestly just wants me around." He nods down the hall, to where Rin is approaching. "Shouldn't you see to your other charges?"

"They can manage." I wave to Rin, hoping she and Kyo can actually manage to not get in fights.

"So can I." He shrugs free gently. "Thank you, Haru. I just needed… I'll be alright."

"…Okay." There really isn't time, and I'll be able to spend time with him tonight, whereas Rin and Kyo are going to need a referee now, not for between the two of them but with everyone else.

"Hey," Rin reaches us and glares.

I don't need to worry about myself, really. She does it for me.

"Hello, Rin. And goodbye, as well. I have to be going." Yuki bows a little and walks off before she's obligated to say something crass.

I sling an arm around her waist, since her shoulders are still too high for comfort.

"You're gonna get into so much trouble," she reiterates.

"I haven't yet, and it's been like ten years."

"Seven. Eight, tops."

"Okay, I exaggerated. Sue me. Let's go find Kyo."

"What? Why?" She glares at me and I grin, pulling her closer as I steer us down the hallway.

She's been not-eating again. Someone with long fingers like Hatori could close a hand around her waist.

"'Cause you two are funny together. It's like watching _The Others_. Two people who don't see, hear, smell, or feel each other. Sometimes I think you'll walk through each other and there'll be a whumping sound and little bits of mist."

I grab coats from the hall closet, knowing Kyo'll be on the roof somewhere, and we head out.

"We acknowledge each other. Just the other day, he called me a witch under his breath and then somehow tripped on the porch stairs."

"Nicole Kidman found out about the ghosts eventually. Or, you know, about the living."

"…You make no sense."

"Maybe you could have another staring competition? That was funny."

"We were like three!"

"Six. Five, bottoms."

"Okay, so I exaggerated. Anyway, you didn't seem to enjoy it then. You just watched us."

A pair of boots dangle over the wall, dripping muddy snow on people passing under the gate.

"I was laughing on the inside."

We start up the wall, still bickering, and Kyo looks down to start hollering that we should let him be, brat that I am. We don't.

Rin isn't breaking.

Kyo isn't alone.

Yuki isn't falling.

And none of us can do a thing to save the others, but we're still here.

* * *

Two Years Earlier

"Rin?" I knock on the bathroom door again, and then just open it. She's got nothing I haven't seen time and time again. "Rin, what's wrong?"

It occurs to me that I shouldn't have been able to open the door, that it should have been locked. I could've broken it, but the effort would've been there.

"Haru…" She's leaning over the sink, mouth and hair dripping the water she's been scooping up to rinse off the puke. I can still smell it, acrid and stale.

"Haru, just get the fuck out," she says wearily. "I felt a little dizzy, is all. Okay?"

"You felt a little dizzy… huh. So why'd you walk out of the room looking fine and then fall down in the hallway? And then… the dizzies must've gotten kinda bad to make you hurl. Was it like being on a roller coaster at all, or just nauseating without the fun?"

"Dammit, Haru. I didn't puke on purpose. I felt sick, is that better? Sick. Now go away."

"Rin's angry with me? And I don't remember doing anything wrong. A mystery…" I put my arms around her from behind, and after a minute she turns and buries her head in my hair, shoulders shaking.

"I hate feeling like this, all the time… I'm so tired of being sick…"

I hold onto her and run my fingers through her beautiful, long hair, trying to dry it out, and just listen.

It's a while. Her body shakes with frustrated anger, a body too weak for the fire inside it, and her tears burn holes in my shoulder.

It's a while before she can stop.

But then she does. Sobs quiet, tears slow, and then she goes still and pulls away to stand on her own. "Thank you, Haru," she says evenly. "I needed that. I'll cope now."

She turns back to the mirror above the sink to fix herself up, though there's no fixing some of the water stains. Akito left the banquet a quarter of an hour earlier, though, so no one'll care. In fact, I should see to it Momiji and Kisa and everyone get off to bed soon. It's pretty much tomorrow; on a school day I'd have to get up in four hours.

I watch her arrange her hair and wipe off her make-up, entranced. She's stunning. In her everyday clothes, she's knockout gorgeous, of course. But in these, the whole traditional-garb thing, she looks so much… I don't know. So much more open. It's weird how wearing about five square yards of cloth can make a person look more vulnerable than two square feet, but there it is. Maybe it's just because it's different.

"What."

"Hm?"

"Why're you looking at me like that? Cut it out. I'm all sweaty, and my make-up's run together and I look like a clown. You've got no reason to look at me like that."

"You look like a kitsune."

"…You're insane. Anyway, I'm the horse, remember?"

"But you're beautiful enough to cast spells. And I've always kind of thought you were like fire. Which is their thing, right?"

"I have no idea, Haru. I had TV, not storybooks."

_Since they stopped pretending to care… what did they read to you before that?_

"Maybe that's djinn."

"Now I really don't know what you're talking about. What does alcohol have to do with this? Unless you mean you're drunk, which would explain a lot."

"No, just high on life."

She finally cracks and smiles. "You're a special person, you know that? And not just in the –ed sense."

"I resent that," I protest equably.

She turns away from the mirror. "No," she says sadly. "You don't."

I shrug.

"I'm gonna go to bed," she announces, and sweeps past me, squeezing my hand on the way. "Pleasant dreams."

"You too. Don't let the bedbugs bite."

"Where does he get this stuff?" I hear her muttering, and then she's gone around a corner. Her gait isn't faltering much; I'm sure she can get to her room. I put her on my list of people to sneak in to tonight.

One of the good things about sneaking to see Yuki – I've got some formidable skills at not being seen by anyone when I don't want to be. This house is like a maze, but that just comes in handy. If you know the way.

I go back towards the banquet room, which should be just about empty by now. Hatori'll have beaten me to bundling Momiji off by now, Kisa and Hiro will be gone to bed. Akito left earlier, and Kureno with him. If Ayame's still there, he's asleep on Shigure's shoulder. Kagura's been on the roof with Kyo since the minute Akito let her out, and I should join them soon, to see how Kyo's doing.

Maybe he'll want a fight… 

"Haru." Yuki sounds guilty, like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar, but somehow I don't the that's quite the simile for the situation.

Cookies, after all, are good things.

"Yuki." He was my only reason for going back there, so I turn to walk with him, playing with the sleeve of his dance robe. Which, naturally, he is breathtaking in. Though I prefer him in his normal clothes. "Mind if I walk you home?"

"Ah… are you sure it isn't too far out of your way?"

"Well, it is at least a hallway away from mine, but the exercise'll do me good."

He clears his throat, eyes darting sideways to me. "Actually, I'm not going to my room."

"Yeah, I know." I stay quiet. Not a get-him-to-talk thing – Yuki's never really been fallen for that – but inviting him to.

He doesn't, at first, just keeps getting paler. We're about even with my room when he stops. "I think Akito liked my dance," he murmurs. "He smiled."

I put an arm around his shoulders.

"You know what I did? I smiled back." He drops his head onto his clenched fists. "…If I could just hate him –" he breaks off, shaking his head.

I wrap my arms around him and he stiffens, pulling back enough to face me. I'm taller right now, but only by a quarter of an inch. "Haru –"

"Yuki." Hatori is standing at the end of the hallway.

"I'm coming," Yuki answers calmly, not bothering to step away from me because we have nothing to hide. "I'll only be a second, Hatori. It's not worth reporting to him; I really will hurry."

Hatori stands there, like he's going to do something, and then he nods and turns away.

I wrap my arms tighter. My turn to think that maybe I could do something. He's as thin as Rin, feels like he could break if I hold on too hard.

Only I don't need to. Akito keeps clasping tighter, and eventually he'll shatter.

I pull him close enough to smell the peaches and fear.

I don't know why he smells like peaches to me. He hasn't liked them in years, for all they used to be his favorite.

He stands there, and I don't know if it's because it helps or because he isn't used to moving away.

So I let go, ignoring the instinct to not do so ever - ignoring the urge to turn Black, sling him over my shoulder and run away, preferably to somewhere safe where we can be alone.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he whispers, and walks away.

I wonder what Akito thinks of that robe.

I like Akito, really. On my behalf. I mean, he's never been mean to me, really. Condescending, but not mean. And he's had it sort of rough, I gather, and he is god, after all.

Times like this, I just try not to think about him. Anger leads to hate, and all. I don't like feeling like that.

I could fucking kill the bastard, kill all of them for letting this happen, standing there and making jokes like Shigure or wallowing in moral confliction like Hatori or –

Or knowing there's nothing we can do. Like me, and Shigure, and Hatori, and everyone…

I keep seeing Yuki's eyes, so full of pleas.

I wish this were simple. I wish I could save him, be a knight on a white horse…

Only the thing about white…

Once you add black, you get gray. And no matter how much white you try and put back in, you're never going to have anything but gray.

I can answer none of those pleas. All I can do, for him, for Rin, Kyo, Momiji… is be here.

That's not enough.

But I'm no savior.

AN: Feedback, feedback, lovely lovely feedback!

My preciousss… I love Haru. Hope the skip into Black for a short paragraph there wasn't confusing. Oh, and just for the record, this flashback would be the beginning of the year before the one Yuki attempts suicide in. I think… I need to draw up a proper timeline.

I could rant on about Rin and Tohru, and how of course they can stand up to people but have it be okay because it's for Their Men, and how _naturally_ Tohru's more subservient method will of course be valorized… well, anyway, I could go on for a while there. But I'll spare you.

Ah, and now that I'm fixing this chapter – the whole "add black and you get gray" is paraphrased from _Angel_'s "Habeas Corpses." Lilah said it. I love her…


	5. Chapter 5

AN: I actually went back and added this anyway, but here it is again in case: Haru's thing about gray, mixing black and white and all in the last chapter? Yerss, that was Lilah's, from _Angel_. Not an exact quote, but a paraphrase.

Heh. And the Snausages here is Buffy's. She says that Andrew is "like a small dog dancing for Snausages." I paraphrased here too, though, to make it fit better.

Eh, just keep in mind this is before the whole beat-up-Kisa thing, so Hiro was more relaxed around Akito. Also, Hiro wishing Kagura were there - as far as I know, they haven't interacted in the manga, but one of those note-things says that her relationship with them is extraordinarily good.

For dedication and disclaimer, see first two chapters.

* * *

Though hope is frail

It's hard to kill…

- Miriam, _The Prince of Egypt_, "There Can be Miracles"

* * *

Chapter Five

Present

People are finally leaving. God, like they have nothing better to do, it takes them this long to get going?

It's the pre-banquet gathering, not even a party or anything. Just a meet-and-greet, a head count. We might as well have numbers on nametags… the point is, there will be three nights for this kind of thing. But for all their much-vaunted practicality, grown-ups can never seem to leave in time.

Ten thirty. An hour and a half until Kisa's dance, fifteen minutes till we should be in the banquet room.

At least none of the outsiders, know-nothings with regard to the curse, have asked if I shouldn't be in bed yet. I'd like to think it's because of my formidable glare, but I know it's Akito.

He's in a really good mood. He can be pretty mean, and usually he's at least grumpy – Gure-nii calls it melancholy – even if he hasn't been awful around me. But this whole bowing and scraping thing puts him in a truly nice temper.

For him.

No one questions the Head, and certainly not today. They don't question anyone around him, either.

So, since Kisa's getting ready with Ayame nii-san and I'm stuck playing mascot, no one's questioned my being awake.

He keeps his hand on my shoulder half the time, twirls bits of my hair between his fingers. It's completely embarrassing in front of everyone, but I don't move away. I don't even fidget.

People are coming up and saying goodbye like they're going further than the next building, if that. Akito just nods and maybe smiles if he gets distracted enough, while Gure-nii and Yuki do his talking for him, thanking everyone.

Mom's gone; I made her go a while ago.

"Hiro," Akito sighs, nodding to another subject, "what time is it?"

I roll my eyes and check my watch again. I'm _not_ flattered he asked me instead of Hatori (who isn't wearing a watch but who has some kind of obsessive inner clock). What am I, some kind of puppy dancing for Snausages? He's not even a real adult; only eighteen.

"Ten thirty-eight. Wear your own watch, why don't you? You're like a kid in a car."

Everyone else might be more careful now, but we can relax more.

He smiles and I glare at him. Up at him.

"You're adorable, Hiro," he whispers, icy fingers trailing down my arm to close around my wrist. Gently, loosely, but somehow reminding me that if he tightened his grip I wouldn't be able to pull free. I'm too weak, too… small.

He turns to the sentinel behind him. "Hatori, I'm leaving," he announces, threading his free hand's fingers through Yuki's.

As he starts out, heads ripple, following him, and people scuttle forward for a last brown-nose. Officially, this thing can go as late as anyone is in the room, but everyone knows it ends when he leaves.

He ignores them, because we come first, our little world. All his world. He's still holding my hand, and Yuki's. My hand, like I'm four years old.

But I don't exactly pull away, just glare when I know he's not looking, and we go on to our own party.

* * *

We're early to the banquet hall, and Rin, Haru and Kagura aren't there. Probably still with Kyo. He's such a child he can't even handle not sitting with us for some boring food and dance? So lame. And, okay, it'd be kind of nice if they were here. Rin and Kagura, anyway. 

But Kisa's here.

She looks…

And I must look like such a child, hanging on Akito's hand like that. Why would she even care what I think, about how she looks or anything else?

He drops it now, though, which is good. Less good is the part where he lets Yuki go too, and takes his seat only after pulling Kisa along with him. He beams at her and they start talking in low voices.

I can't hear the words, but I wander around the edge of the room until I can see her face. She's smiling, shy and disbelieving – he's complimented her. He laughs and tugs her into his lap, hugging her and asking a question.

I hear her sweet voice, but still no words as she answers.

Someone clears their throat behind me and I whirl, flushed and guilty. "What?" I snap.

"Nothing!" Rit-chan yelps, dropping to his knees. "I mean, something, yes, but you don't want to hear it, I'm sorry, I should never have imposed my presence upon you –"

He's never going to shut up.

I fire off one of those dazzling Sohma smiles that always get Yuki and Akito their way. "Of course I want to hear anything you have to say, Ritsu." The smile disappears. "Especially if you get around to it sometime today."

"Ah… yes… I'm sorry, and you're right, I should be more concise. I've wasted your – I mean." He stops and looks up at me before starting again. "I… I think that… I wanted you to know, Hii-kun, that," his voice drops even more as he glances sideways at Akito's profile, "you might not be grown up yet, but if I could ever be half as talented and mature and – and as assertive as you are… I would be very happy. So I hope that you can be." He drops another bow, looking like a terrified kid ducking a blow, and scampers off.

"Good grief," I mutter. "What was with that?"

_You're useless because you're a child, isn't that right, my Hiro? _

"Stupid monkey's got nothing better to do," I continue over the voice in my head, "than moralize, he could at least do it on his own time."

But when Kisa walks past me, I whisper that she looks very nice. And she looks happy that I think so.

* * *

Four Months Earlier

The sun filters through the leaves of the tree, making the light green and dappled. The wind moves the branches, making spots of brightness dance.

It smells damp, the breeze, so I sit up and check the sky. "It's gonna rain," I report.

"So?" Rin pulls my head back down onto her stomach, where I'd been resting. "My stomach hurts, and that was making it feel better." Her eyes never open.

"Maybe you should eat something."

She shifts. "Mm."

"Well, why not? God, what is it with you? Are you so won over by the convention of what you should look like that you're willing to sacrifice a lifetime of health for it? That's very pathetic, Rin. And you know, I think you look fine."

She doesn't say anything for a minute. "It's not about that," she snaps finally. She pushes me up and stands.

I scramble to my feet as well. "So what is it about? Tell me what you're thinking about this stuff. I don't get it."

She glares down at me, and then her face smoothes over, going cold and calm. "You wouldn't understand. Now go back to your mommy. Maybe she'll care what you think."

She storms off, breeze whipping her hair around her head like snakes.

I slump back to the ground with a groan. "Dammit." _Couldn't just leave well enough alone… _

Only it isn't well enough, that's the problem.

* * *

"Hiro?" Dead-white hands close on the windowsill on either side of me, a yukata brushing my back. "What are you watching so intently?" 

Akito sounds amused at the moment, and ready to be distracted.

I turn around between his arms to face him, hoping that he's in a good mood. But it's not like they're like _that_, so he's not gonna care, right?

"Ahh," he breathes softly. "I see."

Rin and Haru are out in the garden now. Haru's leaning against a tree with his legs spread and Rin between them, asleep against his chest. They're barely visible from here, but they're visible enough.

"She was feeling queasy earlier. Haru-nii's probably helping her get over it," I point out.

"Yes," he agrees, still looking over my head.

"Akito-san, why doesn't Rin eat enough? I told her she looks fine." I guess I'm trying to distract him, but he probably actually knows. He always seems to know that kind of thing about us.

"Did you?" He returns his eyes to me, black pits you could fall into. "And what did our Isuzu say to that?"

"That… that she didn't care what I thought."

"Oh?" He cocks his head, looking down at me musingly. "Well, elementary psychology, Hiro. It's about control." He looks back up at them, and then pulls back enough that he can crouch down to my eye level. "Why do you think she said that to you?"

"I don't know," I shrug, looking down. Jeez, he and Shigure. Why are they so into Twenty Questions? Boring.

"Answer my question, Hiro," he singsongs.

"Because I'm a kid? She probably thinks I wouldn't know if she looks fine or not because I'm not grown yet, like Haru-nii." I glare at the floor. "I bet if he told her she was pretty she'd believe him."

Akito's cold finger tilts my chin back up to look at him. "That's what you believe, is it?" He asks. "You're useless because you're a child, isn't that right, my Hiro?"

"I'll grow up soon." I clench my fists. "At least I don't pretend to be ten years younger than I really am, like that damn rabbit."

"Oh," he says, smiling. "Is that what you think?" He laughs. "You are precious. You think that you'll grow up and suddenly be someone else? That adding ten years to your resume is going to change who you are? Don't be mistaken." He cups my face in one hand. "Let me explain something about growing up to you. It doesn't change a thing." His smile grows empty and cold. "You'll be just as helpless at twenty as you are at ten. You're never going to be able to save Isuzu from herself, not if you live to be one hundred. Do you understand?"

I grit my teeth. I will, things will be different… adults can do things…

I nod.

His eyes bore into mine for a minute, and then he nods. "All right then. Now that that's been made clear…"

"Akito," Hatori's deep voice almost makes me jump like a frightened spaz.

Akito smiles at me and then turns. "Yes, Hatori?"

"Well, first of all, it's time for your medicine. Second, Shigure's here. He's waiting for you."

"Oh… very well. Go on then, I'll be there in a moment." Hatori stands there for a second, hesitating with a look at me, and then he goes.

Akito looks at me contemplatively. "Do you suppose that when Hatori was a child he ever thought things would be different when he was older?" He sounds like he means it as a real question, not rhetorical, so I shrug, flushing.

It sounds like such a stupid fantasy, put that way. I can't picture Hatori with some stupid dream about being a prince, about saving… anyone. Bringing Kisa into the sun…

"No, I don't suppose he did," Akito answers himself. He pats my head. "And they never will be."

He turns and walks away, all billowy. He really does look like he's floating when he moves…

Why did I tell him that? Why did I let him know, when he always…

Why do we all, always drop our defenses when we know what's going to happen?

Well, fine. It's how things are. I can live with that. Children are renowned for their resilience, after all. Yeah, I can live with it for now.

But Kisa deserves better, and so does Rin. And I'm a kid now, but I won't be forever. And… and I know Akito likes things to stay the same. But they never do, right? Isn't that like a scientific fact? Entropy or whatever?

Things change.

* * *

AN: Reviews, yez? Ve vant zem, ze need zem, unt ve can't get zem at Deb's. 

Oh, and about how quickly this has been going – I know it's sort of harried, and I like to space things out properly, but I've had free time recently and I'm going away soon. I don't know what I'll be able to do as far as updates once I've left, so I'm trying to have as much up as possible beforehand. My brother's got a computer where I'm going, but I don't think we'll be inside enough to use it much, and plus we're not staying at his place… But I'm not leaving until the twenty-first, so I'll have time to find a plan, let people know… And I'll be back on the first of June. Only then I'll have college courses… My point is, the more we have up now, the better - but I won't be abandoning anything.


	6. Chapter 6

AN: I just want to point something out – I don't know how you all've been taking the quotes, but they're not meant to have much to do with the chapters themselves. They're more a commentary on the people. I just bring it up because I do realize that they bear no resemblance to the actual text in here. Well… except Hiro's.

And this one is obviously a tad ironic.

* * *

Love cures people – both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.

- Dr. Karl Menninger

* * *

Chapter Six

Present

I like New Year's, usually. That is, sometimes all the pressure builds up. People get testy and yell at each other, and that's always sad.

But I guess I'm not one to judge that sort of thing. Bottling stuff up and then exploding, I mean.

And anyway, at New Year's, we're all together, and that's fun. All of us, whether we want to be or not. Even if maybe someone was very cranky and mad at someone else… they would still be here.

Kyo-kun has to live with me for three whole days!

It's still sad, how he can't come to the banquet. He's so wonderful, and he can't come with us just because of some story that everyone takes literally without even thinking…

It's just too bad he has to miss the dances.

Kisa forgets to be nervous once she starts. We all do; even Ritsu was perfect once he got going, on his night.

Ha-kun, of course, did this last year with Yuki as well, and he knows what he's doing. He keeps getting taller, looking kind of gawky and awkward, lately. But now, on the dance floor…

They're perfect.

I can feel it again, not just remember the feeling from my dance but truly feel it. Like floating in water… no, like _being_ water. Going into the stream and losing all sense of self, part of something larger and beautiful and powerful, something formless and insatiable.

I can feel the chains.

Kisa is losing herself in the intensity of actually being the dancer, Haru following her in. They're entrancing… enthralling.

Thrall… thralls…

Graceful and alive…

Something inside me that I hadn't realized was empty is filling, an unnamable tension leaving me.

The force holds me, comes into me and tells me that it will take care of everything, to let go and let it take control, and I let it, as we all do every year.

We all go to him.

It's perfect, this connection. This is why we come back. Even I hate these chains, but… to go without them…

No, this is perfect.

Only… 

I wish Kyo-kun could be with us.

* * *

Nine Years Earlier

It's time! Kyo will be here.

I jump up and down, swinging Mommy's hand impatiently as we walk inside.

The Main House is always kind of drafty, being so big and hard to heat, and dark for about the same reason. Some people think it's creepy – when I told my friends at school they said it sounded haunted, and Shii-chan says that it seems "sentient," which doesn't sound exactly cheery. But I think it's sort of comfortable. I think, sometimes, that I can hear it breathing.

Mommy doesn't like it. She laughed, kind of embarrassed, when she said it, though. So it must not be too bad.

I'm nine years old now, too big for picking up and carrying – at least in my opinion – but Mommy wraps her arm around my shoulders and pulls me close as we go straight to Akito before even making sure that our bags go to our rooms here. He said I had to, because he misses me when I'm gone, which is just very cute.

Mommy doesn't agree, it seems like.

But we go anyway, and I get a hug and a kiss and we talk some. I say hi to Kureno, who's in the corner watching, and get Yun-chan to smile. And then I can go out and play in the gardens.

Kyo-chan is out there too. Momiji-kun and Ha-kun are with him, and they're playing some kind of ball game. Kyo gets to be outside more on New Year's, because at the House it's not up to his Mommy when he stays in and when he goes out.

Akito-san is a little mean to Kyo, but at least he gets to be outside, right? That's good, isn't it…?

_Hey, just for a little! Just for a little bit… let me wear those beads._

"Kyo-chan?" He hasn't seen me yet, and I reach out to tap his shoulder.

_I don't want to touch him. _

I throw my arms around him all the way, crushing us together. I'll be better, I will… and when we're together, Akito will see how incredible Kyo is and stop being mean and I'll have saved him…

And everything will be all right.

He flinches away and takes a step back from me.

I haven't… we haven't seen each other much since that day. Things have been different.

I want them to be the same.

"Kagura-neechan…" he looks at me almost like he's seeing me for the first time, testing the words out on his tongue.

And then he turns belligerent, cheeks flaming. "What do you want?"

I take a step back. _He's mad, he's really mad? At me? _

_But I love him. I do. _

I feel hot and angry and hurt, and like there's so much inside me that I'm going to burst open like a bottle of soda that's been shaken too long –

And the next thing I know, Kyo-chan is looking up at me blearily from the ground like he's just finished a roll, and Haru-kun is hanging on my arms.

"Kyo-chan? What are you doing?" I giggle. "You look funny." I pat Haru's head. "And what are you doing, sweetie? I love you too, but you don't have to hold so tight."

_I love you, Kyo-kun. You can't be angry, you can't blame me. Not if I love you. _

Kyo stands up slowly, his eyes fastened on mine. They look so…

He's looking for something. I have to look away; his eyes are just so much…

"I'm –"

I love you… 

"Just – leave me alone!" He yells, voice thick with shame, and he turns and runs away.

"Kyo!" I yell after him with tears in my own voice.

_I didn't mean to run away. I didn't mean to leave you alone. _

Haru's grip loosens abruptly, and a larger hand closes on my shoulder. "Gura-chan, what's the matter?"

"Shii-chan!" I turn and throw my arms around his waist, holding on tight and treasuring the feeling of not transforming for the crime of being close to someone. "Kyo-chan's mad at me!"

"Truly?" He asks, eyes wide as he hoists me up into his arms. "But how could anyone be angry with someone so divine?"

"I, I…"

Left him all alone. I'm a selfish, filthy coward. I'm as bad as that monster… No! No, I'll save him, I'll be good, I promise, he won't be a monster… I won't be a monster.

Shii-chan just watches me, so I have to say something. "What was that word? The one… you and Ayanii-chan were talking about a movie and Aya-chan said that a girl in it was…" I grope for _that_ word, and settle for, "pretty, and then you started pretending to cry and said that he'd…"

"What – betrayed? You betrayed Kyo? How did you do that?"

"I… I, his beads, and," my cheeks are hot and I can't look at his face so I bury my face in his shirt. "AndthenIranaway."

Shii-chan says, "Mm."

"Sh – Shii-chan?"

"Gura… you did betray Kyo. And he's just treating you as he does anyone else now, rejecting you because he thinks you've done the same." He reaches down and tilts my chin up to face him. "What's important, though, is that you prove him wrong. You can do that, can't you? Show him that you're not going to forget about him, that he can't push you away?"

I wipe my eyes on his shirt and look at him hopefully. "That's all?"

Shii-chan grins and taps my nose. "I have faith, Kagura, that you could wear anyone down. Just go gently on him, okay? He's not going anywhere."

"Okay!" I exclaim, sliding down to the ground to go find my Kyo-chan.

_Of course! He'll come around. _

He'll see. And we won't be left alone, and everything will be fine.

Love means never having to say you're sorry.

* * *

AN: Sweet Kagura! I just re-read the twelfth volume and I'm feeling sappily in love with her.

I know it's a bit short, but I didn't want to drag it out when it worked that way too. I just want to acknowledge two things:

I know Shigure nudges Kyo in Tohru's direction, just bear in mind that this was ten years before they even met her and he doesn't ever say that Kagura should be romantic with Kyonkichi.

I know that Akito was absolutely horrible to Kyo, not "mean." I just highly doubt that Kagura did then.

Now then – REVIEW! Please?


	7. Chapter 7

AN: For dedication and disclaimers, see first two chapters.

* * *

Character:

Childhood is to believe in love, to believe in loveliness, to believe in belief… To know not yet that you are under sentence of life, nor petition that it be commuted to death.

Chapter:

- Francis Thompson

Chastity is God's rarest blessing.

-George Meredith

* * *

Chapter Seven

Present

The music ends. The spell ends, but doesn't break.

In fact, not so much ends as goes to sleep.

I blink, sway a little, and get my balance back. I bow to Akito-san, like I'm supposed to, and he smiles.

For a second the smile's kind of scary, and I blink nervously. Then it widens and he lifts his head, turning it into a smile just like Yuki-nii's. "That was beautiful, Kisa, Hatsuharu," he says, and we can relax.

His smile stays on Haru-nii, but he beckons to me and I feel more and more at ease as he wraps his cold arms around my waist and tugs me into his lap. "Exquisite," he murmurs in my ear.

I smile and blush, because it couldn't have been all that good but it's nice to hear it, especially from him. "Thank you," I whisper.

I snuggle into place as the conversation starts in earnest, running around me without demanding my attention. It's very late. Normally I'd have been in bed for ages. I don't feel tired – I never do, on banquet nights – but part of me still knows I should be asleep, so it's nice to just lie there and not have to do or say anything while Akito-san traces thoughtless patterns on my arms and through my hair.

He can be mean sometimes, I guess, but he never has been around me. And he's always so cold… it makes me want to hold onto him until he's warm, like Mommy does for me.

"Very well…" he says after a while, lifting me to my feet and planting a kiss on my cheek. "I shall call for the food. Take your seat."

He holds onto my hand until the last minute, when I'm too far around Yunnii-chan, and all the rest of the banquet I feel relaxed inside, like something that was wrong has been fixed.

Only… only Hiro seems grumpy.

And every time Akito smiles at me I think of what those grown-ups were saying in the hall, and it's like biting into an orange and finding a slice of lemon inside.

* * *

Hours Earlier

I cling to Mommy's hand, nervous with so many people around, but she keeps smiling down at me every once in a while and it makes everything seem a little bit more okay. I smile back.

As if happiness summons him, Momiji-kun bounces up out of nowhere, grinning merrily. "Hey, hi, Kisa-chan!" He cries, grabbing my free hand. "Come on, okay? Let's get you fitted out, I want to see you in your dress!"

"Oh, um… can I, Mom?"

"Yes, of course." She smoothes my hair, looking a little worried. "Just stay where I'll be able to find you, all right?"

"I will!" I call back as Momiji bows to her with another grin and pulls me away, calling over his shoulder, "Don't worry, I'll take care of her!"

"I can't wait," he adds to me once we come away from the grown-ups. "You're gonna be so pretty dancing! Hiro's gonna flip."

"Flip?" I repeat, but then Haru-nii shows up and with all the other things, I get distracted.

* * *

It's after I get dressed up, and Momiji insists that Mom should see, that I hear them. 

I'm alone and sort of sneaking, because I don't want anyone else to see if I can help it and it'll be easier alone. Which, with the sneaking, is why they don't hear me.

It's a small group of adults from what I can hear, talking quietly, and I do sort of stop to listen because I want to see if they might leave soon and leave this path clear.

That's what I get for eavesdropping.

"… -sama seems very fond of Kisa-san," a man is saying. I frown, because Akito does like me (and he has to be talking about Akito - he's the only one who merits a "sama" usually), but this man makes it sound like a bad thing.

"You know, she even looks like Yuki-san a bit?"

"Don't be ridiculous. They don't resemble each other in the slightest."

Two women. And now a new man picks up with, "Except in one thing."

"Oh, really. He doesn't fixate on her like that."

"He doesn't need to." It's the first man again. "She's an adorable girl." His voice sounds like Shigure oji-chan's right before Hatori oji-chan smacks his head, only meaner. "She'll end up the same as Yuki-san, mark my words."

I don't understand what he means, not really, but I think of how Yuki-nii looks sometimes, when Akito-san is talking to just him, and… it's always just been how things are.

_But why are they this way? _

I turn and walk away quickly, before I can hear anymore. My dress snags on a splinter along the wall and I tug it free without looking to hurry, not paying attention to the tiny ripping sound.

I've only gone a little ways when I bump into something tall and solid.

"Kisa-chan," Haru-nii says in his immovable, dazed way. "What's up?"

I look around a minute, but no one's nearby. "Um… Haru-nii… can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah." He hunkers down to meet my eyes, still reassuringly calm. He's always so calm, so sure.

"I heard some people talking just now… and, I wondered… what would it mean to 'end up like Yuki-nii?'"

"…"

"They said that Akito-san liked me like it was a bad thing. Is it bad?"

Haru-nii raises an eyebrow, thinking, and then stands, scooping me up onto his hip. "It's never bad for someone to like you as long as they don't hurt you," he says. "Akito likes all of us, even Yuki and Hatori, and he still hurt them. But that's not something you can control, so just… be careful and don't worry about it, 'kay?"

I nod uncertainly. Akito wouldn't hurt me, would he? He wouldn't hit me…

"And, ending up like Yuki…" Haru-nii grins. "Well, Yuki's pretty cool, don't you think?"

He hugs me a little tighter. This time I nod more assuredly, and I can smile.

* * *

AN: You all know what I'm gonna say/plead/demand/beg for on bended knees, so what say you just review and save me the trouble? Please? 

Wow, that was short. Two pages on here. Jeezum crow. Ah well, Kisa's kinda short too. God, she is cute...

Oh, and canonically, I realize Akito probably doesn't like Satchan too much aside from the whole bondedness of them, but since my In-verse sort of removes the reason for Akito's hating women so much – and, okay, because I find misogyny boring – I get to mess with that.


	8. Chapter 8

AN: For dedication and disclaimer, see first two chapters.

I figure this'll be easier than explaining bit by bit where everyone's sitting, so here's my invention of the seating chart of the banquet. Pretend it's a table with Akito at the head. And I swear I didn't put my darlings across from each other, or Rin and Hiro, or any of the conveniences there ended up being, on purpose. It's just in order of their zodiac forms, going right to left. Or left to right, looking at the page. And since this thing isn't going to let me space them, pretend the edges of that table are very close together... Yuki and Haru are supposed to be on opposite sides, for example.

Akito

Yuki Haru

Kisa Momiji

Hatori Ayame

Rin Hiro

Ritsu Kureno

Shigure Kagura

* * *

Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And sometimes I think I got the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her. To be all alone, even when you're holding her.

- Spike, _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_, "Into the Woods"

* * *

Chapter Eight

Present

I used to love New Year's. It used to be… fun. I wasn't supposed to associate with the others, ever – my place has always been at Akito's side – but it didn't matter so much, years ago.

Until he was nine, it was Ren who insisted on my isolation. After that, for perhaps five years… it was just habit. Those years, along with Akito's earliest, are my fondest memories. Habit, tradition – it's a powerful force in this stagnating house where nothing is allowed to change, but it doesn't have the authority that here-and-now always does. Habit wasn't enough to keep me away from them completely.

But before his fourteenth year, New Year's was still my favorite time, even above others. No matter how bad the year had been, at its end he could relax, and everything seemed a bit easier, a bit brighter. I could see the others, talk with them.

I love him. So much that it frightens me, so much that I have never even tried to live without him, though I know that part of him would be happier if I left and Shigure could…

If ever I would leave – but I can't, and in another way, it would destroy him. He has to own us or he's nothing.

So I stay, and love him.

But life, unfortunately, is not a romance tale. There is more to life than love, and staying here, with one person, always… it isn't enough. And I'm not the only one it's driving insane.

God, I miss it. I miss Nii-san, miss the other older ones. Talking to him, laughing with he and Aya-san as they dream up outrageous schemes to make Ha-niisan smile, as if he were one of the guards in London, even before it was that hard. The younger ones… I can't truly miss, as I never knew them.

Still, I remember watching Yuki and Hatsuharu as babies when one of the others was already taking care of them, remember being with Nii-san when both of us loved Akito and neither of us had him, making it more of a bond than a point of contention. When we both knew he'd win, as he did at everything.

_I wish… _

It's sad that my idea of escaping the Sohma cage doesn't even extend to 'outside' members of the same family, much less leaving the compound, but such is my life. And a body can get used to anything; even to being hanged, it's said.

Now, though… New Year's… I almost hate it.

The older I am, the more I have to do with the planning, the more disgusted I am with our clan. The whole family, backstabbing and ingratiating, manipulating and climbing – and it all only compounds with everyone here at once.

He truly is the Jade Emperor, complete with royal court.

Then, there is the fact that since he turned thirteen or fourteen, I've not had nearly as much leeway even then, and sitting with them, unable to truly talk with them… And then when Shigure left – since then, he's been openly cruel in his adherence to my isolation.

So I sit one seat away from opposite Gure-nii, and watch. Akito torments Yuki, and flaunts his relationship with me just enough that Gure-nii's eyes are cold and hurt beneath the laughter and I feel like nothing but a means to an end.

"… look absolutely ravishing tonight, Gura-chan," Nii-san is saying to the girl. He is not, I don't think, doing anything more than making conversation, but that will not be the only affect it will have, by my guess.

"Oh – you think so?" She asks hopefully before her face falls. "I don't know if –"

"Kagura," he interrupts before she can bring up Kyo, "I know without doubt that your beauty is enough to make any sane man weep."

She blushes and grins, saying, "Thank you, Shii-chan!"

He coughs, covering his grin with a hand. Normally, probably, he would follow that through with a proposition of some kind. He does still do that, doesn't he?

_I wish…_

But not in front of Akito, so he turns to Ritsu, and Kagura turns to me. At the end of the table as she is, Shigure and I are the only ones she can easily converse with.

No one wants to ignore me (unless Nii-san does, but he's… hard to read), but they all know that a misplaced word could tip Akito's increasingly arbitrary scales. And Kagura is not known for her tact, making conversing with her a bit nerve-wracking. I don't want her in trouble because of me, and with how miraculously kindly Akito usually treats her, it feels like pushing already delicately balanced luck.

On the other hand, she's so genuine, so incapable of deceit, it's a relief. And no one could suspect her of flirting, not with anyone but Kyo.

"So, Kureno-san, how have you been?" She asks with genuine interest.

"Very well, thank you. And yourself?" I say the same thing every year. She never minds. She'll tell me about her own year, and I'll be grateful.

But my eyes will be on Akito. The way his fondly proprietary gaze sweeps us all - Momiji and Ayame chattering away with each other and Hatori; Yuki and Hatsuharu's nearly wordless communication on either side of him; Kisa on Yuki's other side, smiling quietly; Isuzu and Hiro on either side of each other, smirking and raising significant eyebrows as we make fools of ourselves in their opinions.

And the way that gaze breaks to linger on Yuki just until he shifts or flushes, waits an extra moment on the dancers of the year.

Most of all, the way it stops to caress me fixedly. Amazing, the way he can turn an expressionless look into something obscene.

I'll cling to Kagura's chatter, focusing on her like a lifeline, as if it will save me from the burning black eyes that rake across me without ever seeing anything but the pain in Nii-san's eyes, hidden beneath layers of laughter.

* * *

Fourteen Years Earlier

"Akitosama-kun!" Shigure cries, dropping his school bag and a hasty bow. "Gura-chan!" He stretches out his arms.

Kagura leaps up from where she and Akito are playing and throws herself into his arms, and he tosses her into the air before catching her in a warm embrace.

Akito, for all he's the same age as Kagura, watches them with clinical interest, and when Nii-san looks at him inquires, "Do you expect me to do that?"

Gure-nii pouts. "Ah… I'd forgotten you're five going on forty." He sets Kagura down and turns to me, startling me slightly when he addresses me. "Kureno-kun, however do you manage twenty-four/seven with such a precocious child?"

Akito sniffs wordless scorn as I hide a quick grin.

"Really now," the twelve-year-old insists, wrapping his arms around Akito from behind, "I dare you to act your age. Beg me to teach you a swearword or something."

Akito twists to face him, expression considering. "Very well. Teach me a swearword, Shigure."

Nii-san lifts our god into the air and spins him around. "Your begging skills could use work, Akito-kun! But you're too cute to resist, so repeat after me: fu –"

I smack a hand over his mouth as gently as possible. "Nii-san, are you sure that's the best id – yuck!"

"Ptooey! You taste like soap, Kureno-kun," Shigure announces.

"Ooh… what were you going to say?" Kagura asks eagerly.

"Yes, Nii-san, what were you going to say in front of Kagura?" I press, wiping my hand off on my pant leg.

"Mm… the boy has a point. Let's do something else," he agrees.

"Yes," Akito acquiesces with a proprietarily protective glance at Kagura, who has clasped her arms around Gure-nii's leg.

"Anything to keep my imagination from stagnating – as if such a thing were possible – and to prove that you, Akki-san, are a child… a game of make-believe!"

"I want to be the princess!" Kagura volunteers, clapping her hands.

"And a princess you shall be!" Nii-san declares. "A princess of unrivaled beauty and power." He looks speculatively at me. "So… Akito, you will be the king and Kureno, your bodyguard. And I shall be the scheming grand vizier! When Ha-san gets here, he can be my assistant."

"Kagura's my age. How could I be her father? Anyhow, you're too young to be a grand… grand vizier," Akito points out, tongue wrestling with the unfamiliar words.

"Akito, my love," Nii-san says with a melodramatic sigh, "that is where imagination comes in handy. Most people would scoff at the idea of a boy turning into a dog, you know."

Akito illustrates the epitome of the meaning of the word scoff as he says, "Outsiders."

"Exactly! That's the whole point. Imagination lets you be an insider anywhere. Use it."

"Kureno's not old enough to be a bodyguard, either."

"Oh!" Nii-san groans, dropping his head onto one of my shoulders and slinging his free arm around the other. "Alas, I fear the boy needs more help than only I can give him, despite all of my incredible powers."

I'm not used to anyone but Akito touching me, and almost flinch back. But Akito is sandwiched between us, and I instinctively put an arm around him as well.

And the pause is enough that I realize I don't want to move. With my arms around them both, the most important people in my world… it's warm.

* * *

AN: Review-candy! I live on it, you know. Must havey.

So cute! Those three, I mean. I could just cry every time I read a scene about them in the manga. It's all so exquisitely unfair.

Okay, important notice: On the twentieth, I am leaving for another state. I will probably be able to keep up basic e-mail a bit, but at least until I get back on the first of June, there will not be updates, the way it looks now. I know I brought this up before, but here are exact dates and… I really don't think I'll be able to type there.


	9. Chapter 9

AN: Heh… nothing really. Hope this works. In the flashback, Akito's just (in the sense of "recently" not "merely") eight and Kyo's five.

* * *

Solitude:

Among them, but not of them.

-Lord Byron

Really a homesickness for God.

-Hubert zon Zeller

* * *

Chapter Nine

Present

_Damn rat. It's all his fault… I'm cold as hell, too. _

I don't have to be outside. That's what Shishou'd tell me, and Hatori and Shigure and… everyone.

All of them. With their _bond_. All together at their banquet, right now. Somewhere under the roof I'm lying on, though I can never really figure where exactly.

So yeah, I could be inside with the other "insiders" who don't happen to be cursed, like Shishou.

Only I'm not one of them, either. None of them are forbidden to get close to anyone for fear of the curse.

And neither group knows… what it's like to not be able to get close to anyone because you'll only hurt them, to be rejected by everyone who matters long before they know you because of an accident of birth. None of them know what it's like to have Akito look at you like you're nothing and to _care_.

I pull my coat tighter around myself and blink my eyes a few times to make sure I can still do it.

I could crash. I imagine that every year. I'd just stride right on in, and… what?

When I was little, that was easy to follow up on. I'd challenge the rat. He'd look nervous but Akito would nod at him and he'd have to accept.

I'd beat him easily.

Akito would tell him to take the foot of the table, this half-formed idea of a person with gray eyes and hair, and I would sit next to god, by Kisa and across from Haru.

Haru wouldn't rush to the rat with lovesick puppy eyes.

Hatori would give me one of those looks only Momiji can pull from him.

Shigure would say… I don't know, dammit. One of those fancy things he says, only not making fun of me.

Kagura would realize that I don't like her like that and respect my wishes enough to stop demanding marriage, and just leave me alone like she really wants.

Akito and Yuki…

The rat would look up at me for once, because I would be better.

Akito would smile, a real smile, not a smirk. Like the ones I've seen him give Shigure or Hatori or... that rat. At_ me_. I don't want him playing with my hair like he's always doing to the others – what's with the touchy-feelies anyway? – but it wouldn't hurt if he just…

I don't know. Looked at me like he does at them. Like, if we're property, we're cherished property.

To be part of a "we."

It's sick. My mind's completely twisted. But the whole point of the curse… it's horrible and everything, but it's supposed to have an upside, right? We're in our own little world, aren't we?

So why can't I get in?

I've been trapped in the doorway all my life, and I can't keep living like this. I'm always just inches from falling, and I can't reach anyone to hold onto me. No one even sees.

Sick or not, it's what I want. And it will never happen.

I mean, not like that, anyway. That's just an embarrassing old fantasy, stale and transparent. So after I walk in… I don't know anymore. I don't know what to picture. And I can't try it.

Not until I beat him. And I will. I'll fucking win and then…

_And then…_

Well, here's how it is now. I get it, okay, Akito? Unseen, uninvited, unwanted, however you want to put it.

Fuck, it's cold. So cold my chest hurts. The stars look close enough to touch, in this weather… Like I could reach up and take one.

I close my eyes and they're gone.

Minutes later, a hot hand closes over my eyes and a light, violently cheerful voice says, "Kyo-kun, you could die of exposure doing this!"

"What!" I go to jump up, but find I can't because of the lump of warm weight straddling me.

My eyes open because Kagura's hand has melted off the ice in my lashes, and I swear under my breath, knowing what the water probably looks like. And where'd _ice_ come from anyway? Fucking stupid ice.

"Kyo, oh my Kyo!" She cries, pulling my torso up into a suffocating embrace. "To think, you were alone out here, pining away for your lover!"

Kagura's voice is choked, but not as choked as mine. I'm the one being slowly strangled.

"God – dammit… woman… off… air!"

"Hey, Gura-oneechan," Haru taps her on the shoulder behind the spots in front of my eyes. "He's turning colors."

"Oh! Of course, he's cold!" She bounces back and runs over to Rin, who's just climbing up. "Thanks, Isuzu-chan," she chirps, grabbing the thermos Rin apparently carried.

Huh. Gun to her head? Blackmail? 

"Here, Kyo-kun!" She shoves it into my hands. I'd throw it at her, but it is really, really cold out.

I unscrew the top and start drinking so I won't have to say anything. It's hot chocolate, made with lots of milk like I like.

"Is it good?" She asks anxiously.

Rin settles down on Haru's other side and says placidly, "He loves it."

"Do you?" Kagura's eyes are shining like I just confessed to her.

"Like hell!"

"Oh… didn't I make it right?" Now her eyes are even shinier, and swimming along with it. "I thought… that my devotion to you would flavor it with love…"

I spit some out. "What?"

Haru pats my shoulder. "He's overwhelmed."

I glare at him, but when she honestly starts leaking, I emit, "It's… really… nice."

"It is?" God, the woman can change moods on a dime.

"You've got quite a view," Haru says, standing up to look at the stars. They look like chips of ice in the sky.

I look away. "What're you guys doing up here?" They come up nearly every year, and I never get why.

Kagura's here every time. And every time she shows up, I see her running away again. I'll always see her running away.

"You're gonna fall," Rin says disinterestedly to Haru, ignoring me

He grins at her and spreads his arms like wings. "You could touch the stars," he says.

"Stupid ox," I mutter. "No one touches stars."

"Kyo-kun," Kagura says more softly, "Do you want a star? I think you should have one!" She reaches under her puffy coat and long dress-robe sleeves and unhooks a silver charm bracelet, then rips off a stupid, chubby-faced, grinning star with five points. She holds it out.

"What? No, I don't want a –!" Her eyes are glowing. "FINE! Give it to me!" I snatch it. I can always throw it out later.

It beams up at me from my palm, reflecting real starlight and idiotically happy about that. Stupid star.

I look at the others. "You never answered me. Why're you here?"

"Nothing better to do."

"Oh, you know. Like I said, there's a view."

"Where else would I go, my love?"

I look at the star in my hand again. I guess… for being not-real… it's okay.

* * *

Ten Years Earlier

I glare at the floor of the room – long, wide boards. Boring. And the rest of our room is just a closet and some beds. This is stupid and I want to go out and play with everyone. What's the point of being at the Main House if I can't play with anyone?

It's okay when Mom's here. I'm used to her. Being with her, that's home. But she's not here right now. Some other grown-up came into our rooms and talked to her, and I heard Ren-sama's name, and then she had to leave for a while.

She told me to stay here, so I'm going to, but it's still boring.

No one usually bothers Mommy and me. We pretty much keep to ourselves, and people don't mind except Dad.

He yells sometimes, about how she's wasting her life on a monster. Once she asked him which one he meant and he hit her.

Usually, though, no one minds. So when the door opens and it isn't Mommy, I'm kind of startled.

"Akito-san," I say, knowing I'm forgetting something. I look up at Shigure-nii behind him and he bends forward at the waist a little.

I roll my eyes, but I bow because Mommy will be upset if I make Akito mad, and I'll be happy if he isn't mad myself.

"Kyo," he responds. He sounds irritated already, even though I haven't done anything. He holds out his right hand for my left. "My mother says I have to see your true form. Give me your bracelet."

"Huh?" I gape at him.

_Kyo? Kyo, is your bracelet on, honey? _

_Make sure your bracelet doesn't fall off. _

_Be careful with that hand, sweetie… _

_Don't you ever, ever take this off, you understand? _

"I – I can't take it off," I stammer. "I'm not allowed."

Akito shakes his head and smirks. "Come here, Kyo."

I walk over to the doorway, glancing at Shigure again. His face looks scary. He's always smiling, and now… he looks so distant, like something bad is happening and he's going to go away and watch from a safe distance.

"Give me you hand," Akito says. He sounds more patient now, and he pats my head. I glare, because he's only a little bit taller than me, but I don't mind that much. "How bad can it be, Kyo? It's how you really are, isn't it? This…" he waves a hand at me vaguely. "This is just a mask. There's a reason it's called your 'true form,' is there not?"

"I – no, I'm…"

"A monster." He puts a hand on my cheek, cold and comforting. "But you're my monster. So stop worrying so much."  
He slips a hand down my arm and hooks my bracelet, pulling it off. Maybe I should have pulled away. But no one pulls away from Akito, and…

_How bad can it be?_

Right up until the beads were gone, I hoped that he meant it, that he wasn't wrong. Maybe he would change his mind and let me in, maybe he'll let me come to the banquet in a few hours.

Then they were gone, and my wrist was suddenly very, very cold.

_I won't let anyone see you. _

I back away, tripping over my feet.

_No one look… at my child. _

My insides rip apart and my outsides shatter, and things in my head and heart twist into painful shapes.

New ones? Or… old ones? Reversion to natural form…

_I could tear them apart. _

"It's disgusting." Akito's voice filters through the red surrounding me, through the smell and the rage and the hunger.

He sounds startled.

"This is Kyo's true form?" He doesn't sound startled anymore. He just sounds far away.

_Leaving…_

"His body's all warped and ugly. And what's that smell?" He puts his free hand over his face, sleeve hiding everything but his eyes, inclining toward Shigure-nii. Shigure-nii just stands there, and looks at this.

At me.

And they both get farther away.

"He smells terrible. It smells like something rotting." I wish I could run, I wish I could get away before…

I don't want to watch them leave.

"Is this the cat spirit's true form?" His eyes won't let go of me, but they won't pull me in either.

"It's disgusting." He drops my bracelet on the floor just inside the room.

I look at Gure-nii, but even he can't hide the sickness he feels.

_It's disgusting. _

_Me, I'm disgusting. Not it, Kyo, you, you, you. _

"I've seen," Akito sighs, reaching for Shigure's hand. "Let's go back now."

The form recedes then, and I'm cold and vulnerable and human, clothes crumpled on the floor. I hunch over, shivering and praying that they'll go.  
_Don't look at me from so far away… far away eyes… _

But Akito stops abruptly and comes back. I feel his yukata brush my bare shins and hunch closer around my knees, sobs coming out dry and hoarse, shaking from how hard I try not to let them out.

His hands are colder than the air, tilting my chin up and making me look at him. "Kyo," he says, "now I know how horrible you are." He still looks revolted, and he kneels down to face me, wrapping his arms around me, without any attempt to hide it. "You're repugnant, and that monster is who you really are. All of this… your orange hair, your favorite food, the colors you hate, the way you yell when you're afraid… it's nothing but a mask." He kisses my forehead and twists his mouth with displeasure. "But you're still my monster." His voice goes cold. "I want you to stay away from everyone, you understand? I don't want your infection to spread."

He stands up and walks away, and this time the door closes behind him.

I can't look up. I want to, I want to look up and see that Shigure…

I want to see Akito…

I never will.

My curse isn't this monster, this… me. It's that I'll be alone because of it. And I won't forget that again.

_Be alone. _

Their curse is the place Akito holds in their hearts. Mine is that there's a space for him, where he should be in me, where he has a grip.

But it's empty.

* * *

AN: Kyo-kun! This one was easier to write, anyway. Though the entire chapter got a last minute re-write in the extreme. The second scene was completely different originally… apparently I can't go very long without writing Akito. I go into withdrawal. Really though, it was just an extension of the first one and I think Kyo needs some intense angst. Kid's had it rough.

You know another thing I go into withdrawal without? Yeah, that would be reviews.


	10. Chapter 10

Since I keep forgetting to at least mention these, let's re-establish:

Disclaimer: I do not own _Fruits Basket._ I have never owned it and never will. It is all Takaya Natsuki's, and I am a non-profit organization making no money off of this.

Dedication: Beautiful, wonderful Katia-chan. Such sheer, unadulterated talent.

And now, on to Momiji.

* * *

And they call me happy go lucky

They don't know my heart is dying inside

A smile's a frown turned upside down

I do my happy-go-lucky so well

I'm even fooling myself…

- Steps, _Buzz_, "Happy Go Lucky"

* * *

Chapter Ten

Hours Earlier

Akito stands and we all fall silent and bow our heads.

Luckily Ha'ri's right across from Ayanii-chan and me, or we might forget, since we're still talking, and then we'd really be in trouble. Nope, all we get is one of Ha'ri's _looks_.

"It has been, as always, a pleasure," Akito-san says in his nice voice. "Until next year, then."

"Until next year," we chorus back. Now I can look up, and I see he's smiling.

"Yuki…" he reaches for Yuki-kun's hand and the other boy stands up. Akito glances at Kureno, and then the two of them leave. They're both smiling.

Shii-chan and Kureno meet each other's eyes for one split second.

Ha'ri won't look up.

Haru watches Yuki's cold smile disappearing, and then he's watching something inside that I can't see.

I look hopefully at Aya-nii, but even he looks… distracted.

I yawn loudly, slumping against Haru. "What time is it?" I moan, giving him big eyes.

Like I know he will – like he has to – he blinks out of his daze and slings an arm around my shoulders.

"Approximately," Ha'ri answers for him and without looking at a watch or anything, "two fifteen a.m." He braces his hands on the table and stands slowly, looking oddly out of place. He's the tallest one anyhow, but with us all sitting on the floor… "Kisa, Hiro," he continues, "Momitchi. Come with me."

"Aww… Ha'ri! No one else is going to bed! I want to stay up with Haru. Please?" I beam up at him, and they meet each other's eyes across my head. Then Ha'ri nods. "Just until Kisa and Hiro are back to their rooms."

_To their parents. _

I jump up. "Yay! Thanks Ha'ri, you're the greatest!"

Haru stands, chuckling, and Rin follows suit. "I'll be up in a sec," she reports. "Gonna see the runts a minute longer."

"RIN!" Hiro bellows in protest.

Shii-chan clambers up from his seat, stretching and groaning about how old he is, and Aya-chan leaps to his side to "help." Kureno slips from the room without saying anything – I nearly don't see him go.

And everything is back to normal.

Haru grabs my arm and hoists me out of the room, Kagura-neechan on our heels and Shii-chan calling after us, "Be good, you lot! Don't do anything I might do!"

"What are we doing?" I ask, jumping up and down and tugging on Haru's sleeve, ignoring my sleepies inside. "Are we gonna go see Kyo? That's what you guys do every year, right?"

"Yup, pretty much," Haru says, turning me by the head so I face forward. "But we've got to wait for Kagura to make hot chocolate."

I turn around again, and Haru jerks a thumb over his shoulder, where Kagura is disappearing in the direction of the kitchens.

"We can get coats," Haru adds.

"Okay! You're so lucky, you get to go on the roof every year and Ha'ri won't hardly ever let me."

"Nah, it's good that he looks out for you," Haru says absently as we start down the hallway.

No one looks out for him, none of the grown-ups. Not especially. Rin and I try, but…

_Don't think about that, Haru. _

"I know! I'm so lucky. So do you think Kyo will be happy to see us, deep down?"

"Yeah." He reflects. "Really deep down."

"Do you like roses or rain?"

"…"

" 'Cause, raindrops and roses… whiskers on kittens? You know?"

"I like silver-white winters, myself," he says. I made him watch that movie a couple of times. He didn't mind.

He smiles one of his secret smiles and adds, "And rainbows."

"And gold and leprechauns?"

"Gold's okay. Leprechauns scare me."  
My eyes fly wide. "Really?"

He nods, opening the closet we've reached and reaching in. He hands me my coat, mittens, hat and scarf, finding them with all the other stuff though he can't find his own bedroom in his house.

"Why?"

"…A mystery."

"Maybe –" my words get swallowed by a huge yawn. I hadn't realized how tired I was.

Haru turns and gives me a critical look. I try to look awake, but my keep going closed and all of a sudden my eyelids are really heavy.

"Huh." Haru shakes his head. "I think while Kagura makes that cocoa I'm gonna tuck you in."

"Noo!" I whine, tugging his arm again. "I want to stay up and see Kyo!"

"You can do that next time." He swoops in and picks me up all of a sudden, and I feel very light and safe. "You'll be fifteen next year. If Ha-nii tells you not to go you can flip him off. It's what fifteen-year-olds are supposed to do."

I give up and wrap my arms around his neck, letting my eyes close and putting my head on his shoulder. "I'm not going to be like that," I say drowsily.

We start for my room and he says, "No… I guess not."

_I won't be a teenager. I won't change. _

_I'll be waiting for her. _

_And I'll keep Haru happy. _

I feel the way we turn and open my eyes, then sit back in his arms. "Haru?" I rub my eyes.

"Hm?" He raises a quizzical eyebrow.

I grin. "Wrong way."

* * *

Nine Years Earlier

_The greatest regret I have in this life… is that that _creature_ came out of my body. _

"Darn…" Isuzu-chan tugs worriedly at her dress for the dance, looking into the mirror anxiously. "I can't even walk in this. How am I supposed to dance?"

"You'll do great, Rin. You always do," Haru says. "And Aya'll be with you." He considers that and then looks doubtful as to its helpfulness.

I could say, _Ja! You're great, Isuzu-chan, and your dance will be great too! _

Only…

The greatest regret I have… 

The silence stretches on, chocking me, and I don't say anything.

"Well, I did do okay when I practiced in that other dress," she says finally, while Haru watches me. I'm always causing him worry.

_But before this, I pretended. I was happy, wasn't I? _

_Why can't I play that anymore? _

"Isuzu." Akito's voice slides around me. I didn't hear him coming, but his hands close absently on my shoulders as he stands behind me. They're cold even through my shirt.

"You look lovely. But your hair is going to get in the way, you know."

She frowns at her feet. "Mommy says my hair is pretty."

I don't have to look at Akito to know he doesn't like that. I think they've been having this argument on and off for a long time.

Isuzu-chan fidgets under the look Akito-san must be giving her.

I should say something before the silence suffocates us.

… _in this life… is that that… _

But I'm too tired.

"Momitchi?" Akito sounds puzzled.

I tip my head back to look up at him. "Yes, Akito-san?"

He's frowning, but it eases into a complacent smile as he strokes my hair. "Nothing really. You look very cute yourself, is all…" he leans closer, upside-down to my upturned face, hands on my cheeks. "Adorable, really. I'm sure any mother should be proud to call her own."

…creature _came out of my body. _

"Akito," Haru says. He sounds disappointed.

_Proud to call you her own. _

Akito watches my eyes as the insides fall away inside them and smiles, satisfied.

He could hold me again, make it… not better, but not as bad.

Why would he?

She didn't.

"Here we are!" Shii-chan cries from the doorway, staggering exaggeratedly. "Is that – is that our little Isuzu-chan in there?" He wipes his eyes. "To think that our little garden blossom has developed into such an exotic hothouse flower!" He smiles that weird smile that usually gets aimed at Aya-chan. "How about you come over here and give me the pleasure of a preview-dance?"

Isuzu blushes furiously and looks at Haru, who complacently kicks Shii-chan in the ankle.

_But… they say if she forgets about you, she might get better. _

"Owchies! Not fair, Haa-kun," Shii-chan yelps. "How horrid. Oh well, one must try." He turns to Akito with a big grin. "At least I know someone here who'll give me a kiss and make it better, right, Akito-san?"

Akito's hands are too tight on my shoulders, though at least they're not on my face anymore. "Isn't," he snaps, "there anyone _else_ you'd like to try first?"

He shoves me forward abruptly, and I hear him slam the door behind himself as Shii-chan catches me and scoops me up when I stumble He's looking after Akito with a surprised, interested expression.

"Well, and how is Momitchi-kun faring?" He asks lightly.

I shrug.

"Ah, one of _those_ days, is it? Never mind; we all have them." An idea seems to hit him and he turns to Haru. "Haa-kun, would you mind terribly if I borrowed your Ariadne for a moment or two?"

Haru looks at me for a minute, but there's nothing to see. He says, "Yeah, okay."

"Wonderful! Isn't he just grand?" Shii-chan chirps, whisking me off down a hallway. I nod, because he is.

If you love Mama too… will you help her? 

Shii-chan knocks on a door, but there's no answer. He opens it and pokes his head in. "Aya? Are you here?" He chuckles. "Are you decent?" Still nothing, and Shii-chan shrugs and walks in, closing the door behind us. "He'll be along in a minute," he says contentedly, setting me down on a cushion and taking a seat in front of me. "And then maybe we can convince him to make tea, how about that?"

I make my lips turn up. I should be happy…?

I don't want to meet his eyes, because I know they'll be serious and I don't want to have to think. I look around instead.

The rooms in the Main House are all pretty much alike. Aya calls them "impersonal." But whenever he stays here he makes his room fun. All his homework over break and all his crafts are scattered everywhere, and he puts up pretty curtains and things. There's plenty to look at.

"Momitchi-kun, you know something?"

There are even some potted plants.

But I can't help it now; I meet his eyes.

"I know how much this hurts. But I can promise you two things, absolutely and without doubt."

And now that I've looked, I can't look away. His eyes are like magnets. Poles… you would think the South Pole would be warm, being in the south, but Haru told me once it's even colder than the north. That reminds me of Shii-chan's eyes.

"One is that this isn't your fault. And the other is that it is not always going to feel this bad. Even if you don't want it to, the hurt is going to get easier."

I look at him. Why wouldn't I want this to get better? It feels like there's broken glass inside me all the time, and I just want to be able to breath again. I want it to stop to…

…go away.

All I have of her.

No. This is why I can't play any longer, why I have to be real. This is all she's left me.

Shii-chan puts a hand on my head. "Do you think Aya's always happy?" He asks.

The question doesn't make any sense, and I stare at him, bewildered, while his face relaxes into its normal goofy grin.

Then the door opens. Aya-nii rushes in, sees us and stops, and then throws himself forward even faster, bowling Shii-chan over. They're thrown onto the floor, laughing, and then Aya-chan bounces up and kisses my cheek.

"Gure-san! Momitchi-kun! What joy!" He clasps his hands to his chest. "Could there be a nobler goal in life than to satisfy such perfect cousins? What can I do for you?"

"Aya…" Shii-chan pushes himself up on his elbows with that weird smile. "Satisfy? Are you trying to turn me on?"

Aya bats his eyelashes. "Do I need to try now?"

Shii-chan goes all dreamy-eyed. "Of course not, my dearest –" he coughs abruptly. "However, we have an underage cousin present, you know…"

"Oh! Tender innocence!" Aya covers my eyes hurriedly. "Such a blessed state of being! Though admittedly not as much fun as certain other states of being…"

There's a knock at the door and Aya's up and gone, tearing it open again. "Tori-san!" He drags the taller boy in and closes the door again behind him. "Would you like something to drink?"

"I'm fine, thank you. Hello, Momitchi."

"Oh, Ha-san is such a meanie!" Shii-chan wails. "You didn't even say hello to me and we haven't seen each other in… hours… well, it must be at least minutes."

"Hello, Shigure," Ha'ri deadpans. "You know, you might give me time to say something before you condemn –"

"Don't you try to turn this around on me, young man," Shii-chan mocks. "I was nearly a lawyer, remember?" He wags an admonitory finger. "You shan't win."

"No you weren't."

"Yes, yes! And you still fight for justice, if not through the legal system!" Aya cries in Shii-chan's defense, pushing Ha'ri down onto a seat. "Now you two just sit right there, such a picture… you too, Momitchi-kun… and I'll fetch you some soothing beverages or possibly…"

He keeps rambling, but I can't pay attention any more. I didn't want to look inside, but I have to.

I watch the way Shii-chan and Ha'ri relax a little more around him, like he makes it okay for them to not be sad. Like he makes things better.

Aya-chan's mother ignores him, and I think maybe she used to hit him. His vati is never at home.

He shouldn't be happy. I hadn't thought about it before, but… he's…

What if his mutti sees him and thinks he doesn't need her because he's happy without her? Then she'll never come back… never be nice…

Only… maybe it's better for her that way.

Maybe we're all better off because Ha'ri and Shii-chan watch out for us, and maybe they wouldn't be able to do that if Aya wasn't there for them.

Maybe Haru, who takes care of us too, as best as he can, needs me to be his happiness again too.

And maybe being sad out loud won't ever bring her back.

So, then… I'll be happy.

* * *

AN: Whoo. By this story's standards, that was a long one. And it'll probably be the last one, because tomorrow I'll be gone all day, pretty much, and then we leave at five in the morning the day after. Pity me. 

And review me, because that will make me happy. Okay?


	11. Chapter 11

AN: I'm baaa-aaack! And sickly, but torturing others will help me get better faster. So here. Pain to you, pain to the characters, and I'm happy.

And about the quote – it's from a song that a) I owe thanks to Katia-chan for giving to me and b) is totally a Yuki song. The boy could've written it, and these lines in particular bring him to mind. But these lines also call up Rin for me, the way she (slight SPOILER in remainder of sentence) equates her sickness with her parents' rejection of her and everything.

And while we're on the subject of spoilers, if you don't know the situation with Rin and her parents, this may be a chapter to skip. Unless you want big honking insinuations.

One last thing here – the "Present," for the first time, doesn't pick up where the last one left off but skips ahead twenty-four-odd hours.

Dedication and Disclaimer: See first two chapters.

* * *

Lie to me

Convince me that I've been sick forever

And all of this

Will make sense when I get better…

-"Breathe No More," Evanescence

* * *

Chapter Eleven

Present

I do not like parties. In fact, I hate parties. Though maybe I'm biased – the only parties I've bothered going to are family ones.

They don't tend to endear the concept of gatherings to me.

This damn family… it's like a blanket. It envelops us, and it could be warm and comforting. Instead it's used to smother and stifle, binding like a web.

To control.

I don't like being controlled.

_And you know what the worst thing is,_ I tell myself as I wade through the crowd of polite, pretty people at the first night of Sanga Nichi, _it's that not all of them are complete bastards. _

If they were, bonds of blood and magic through the centuries wouldn't even make me stumble on the way out.

I like to think that, anyway…

But the fact is I can't leave, can't do anything, because they're not. Because I can't stand without Haru, and I can't admit defeat and leave Gure-nii to plot without seeing what happens. Because who would I turn to if not Hiro? And the others, all of us. Especially Aya-nii, Momiji, and Kagura. They are so _fucking irritating_, those three, with their fixation on never growing up. They never take anything seriously but their pathetic unrequited loves and act so fixedly happy all the time, like it's fooling anyone beside casual acquaintances. They're so retardedly happy, I can't even be around them. They really bother me.

But what if they weren't there to avoid?

Besides, running is for losers. And I'm not going to lose.

So I glare at hypocritical smiles from cheating men and superior smirks from women who are downing mood elevators like I'd knock back water on a hot day, at grudgingly interested stares from kids stiff and uncomfortable in clothes they were forced into, still avoiding daddy from his last blow-up.

"_We have a happy home, don't we, Isuzu-chan." _

_No. No one has a happy home; it wasn't real then. But I'll get better and then… then everything will be alright… I'll be…_

I smile, and laugh out loud because if I don't do that I'll start crying.

_Who is it that's fixated on an unrequited love, Isuzu? _

At least… well, at least the banquet's done with. Now it's just more normal oppressiveness. Irritated parents and unhappy children. It's been pretty mellow all day.

_Give it till tomorrow. _

There are just too many of us Sohmas, all packed in here like sardines. Tempers fray. It's sort of funny, really, the way we all do this to ourselves. It's funny in the same way it's funny to watch someone cut themselves or smoke or drink.

I've only ever done two of those things, for the record.

Never ends well… but here we are. I see Yuki, people clustering, drifting around the witty, charming rat like always. I don't know if it's more disgusting that they pretend to care or that he smiles his Perfect Smile and lets them. That smile that makes you feel like the center of the room, special. It's a knack he has, manipulating feelings with a look.

Akito has it in spades. And they can both use it to make you feel like dirt.

But he's not the point. Him being there means Haru or Akito will be nearby, and I'm in luck.

"Here." I shove the plate of hors d'oeuvres under Haru's nose. He forgets practical things too easily when he's looking out for someone, and of course Yuki couldn't remind him…

"Aaa, look..." Haru gazes dazedly at the plate. "Rin's serving food."

"Shut up," I reply pleasantly. Simple is sometimes best.

"So how's your night?" Haru asks, taking the plate and popping a nori roll into his mouth.

"Not so bad. Just boring enough that I came over to interrupt the make-out session."

"You haven't physically injured anyone yet?" Yuki asks dryly.

I smirk at him and slide down to the wall to plop onto the floor. "You look tired. Why don't we all have a nice, comfortable seat?" My eyes fly wide. "Oh, I'm sorry! You probably can't today, can you?"

Haru, who had been giving Yuki his reproachful eyes, turns them on me. "Hey, guys," he protests before Yuki can come back at me. "Frostbite's not gonna help anyone."

"Never mind," I mutter. Because god knows it's okay to get raped as long as now one talks about it.

God, this family…

With Haru and me pushing the limits of the dress code and all, our corner's beginning to filter down, and Yuki leans back against the wall. Not sitting, because that would be rude, although in all fairness my shot wasn't spot on – it probably doesn't hurt that much anymore - and anyway I think Akito was with Kureno last night, judging from the external indicators of Gure-nii's mood: Ha-nii and Aya-nii's hovering.

Haru's plate is cleaned, I note. I've been watching it empty…

I hope I didn't piss him off.

And before I can get defensive, he smiles down at me, shaking his head.

I relax.

And here's the star of the gathering…

As Akito closes in on us, I thank all that's holy (except him) that I got there first. Three's a good number. Too many for couples-jealousy, too few for plotting-jealousy.

"Isuzu," he greets me, detaching himself from Gure-nii's arm and linking his own over Yuki's shoulders with a studious look and smile at Haru.

"Akito…san," I respond, sticking on the suffix just before it's too late off Haru's raised eyebrow.

He smiles at me as Yuki puts a supportive hand on his back. "You're looking well." Just enough of a sneer that I'm not sure if he means it, though I know I don't care. "And Hatsuharu? Are you enjoying yourself?"

"Pretty decorations," Haru says affably.

"Stunning," he agrees in exactly the same tone Yuki used a few minutes ago on me.

"Yeah, they're eye watering," I say, which could be true if you cried at the sight of a bunch of paper and plastic that cost enough to make everyone sure they're Tasteful. "C'mon, Haru, okay? I want to see if Momiji left any jellies." I grab his hand, hoisting myself up, and we bow to Akito and drift off. Haru won't have to watch his darling get mauled, and Akito won't have to jealous, and…

And that's the best I can do.

* * *

One Year Earlier

_Finally. _

Sanga Nichi is over, and I can go h - well, I can leave the Main House. Good as, ne? Anyway, I can focus on other things, not worry about fights and whining and suffocating dresses.

So, joy.

As I stride down the path and away, I notice Akito in one of his windows off to the side and wonder if he'll know how deeply sarcastic I'm being if I wave. I settle for nodding. His eyes lock on mine and he smiles a little, the kind of smile that makes you wonder if you've got a "Kick Me" sign taped to your back or paint smeared on your face. Then, of course, he disappears into the gloom.

"Rin!" Hiro comes out of nowhere, glaring like I've made off with his heirloom rattle. "I'm going with you."

I ruffle his hair with a grin. "So in normal-speak, you need someone to walk you home?"

"No! Fine, walk alone. God, you're so defensive. It's really pathetic."

"I'm defensive? Why you hypocritical little punk!"

We both know he'll walk with me. His mom's probably driving him nuts. And probably… I don't want to think about a nine-year-old pitying me, protecting me, but… it is kind of…

"Jeeze, Rin. Get worked up over an innocent comment from a kid, why don't you."

"Squirt."

"Witch."

"Infant."

"Bitch."

"Where the fuck did you learn that word?" We're clear of the House now, its shadow receding.

"Okay, I want you to repeat the question very slowly and see if you can't figure it out."

"It must have been that Kyo."

"And now you're delusional, to boot."

"Stuff it. We're at your stop." I look at the dark path winding on to "home."

Makes a house a home… 

"Hey, you could tell your mom you're staying over with me."

His face freezes, openly guilty. "I… I can't. My mom kind of needs me home tonight." _So that we can be the family, her and me, not the juunishi. And you can't stay here, because it has to be us. _

"Right." _Must be nice. _

"See you tomorrow?" A hint of apology, but it's not his fault, is it? He didn't choose his parents any more than I did. _I'm sorry, but what could I do? What… _

"Yeah."

I wheel and walk off into the dark… disappear into the gloom. Of course…

* * *

"Oh, Isuzu-chan!" Kagura tries to sound happy, she really does. Sitting at the little round table, just enjoying being with her mother – even her father's there.

She tries to like me, too. To get along. But that's just it; she has to try. With (almost) everyone else she just is her sweet, perfect if volatile self, and they love her.

I make her try.

Her parents turn to face me too, smiling.

I'm worse than a stepchild. No one here belongs to me.

They're speaking, saying what they should, what parents might say, or babysitters. But I can't hear them, and all I can see as I rush up the stairs to my room is their circle of happy faces, looking inward until I came and they turned.

How, because of me, they splintered.

* * *

AN: So there we have it. Darling Isuzu-chan. I've taken her not-eating-in-front-of-people and even then only-eating-things-she-likes and made it fairly explicit anorexia, which is implied but not stated in the manga. But I can relate, as can a few in my family, so I know where I'm coming from there… comfortable, I suppose. I like my comfort zone. It may be painted black, but it's nice in here. The people in my head know me well.

And they're telling me that I need reviews.

Ja… and the references to Yuki and Akito… I try to dance around the Spoiler, but the fact remains that Akito's Not Spoilered here. Not that Akito couldn't, you know… if there was spoiler… but it would be a slightly different physical affair.


	12. Chapter 12

AN: For the second time, we skip forward twenty-four-odd hours. And it's Ritchan-san's turn!

About the addresses… we don't get to see him interact with many people, so I've done the best I can with what he has said.

Dedication and Disclaimer: See first two chapters.

* * *

Modesty is the virtue of those who are deficient in other virtues.

- Stanislaus

* * *

Chapter Twelve

Present

My face could cook eggs.

I heard that expression from Shigure-niisan a while ago – in reference to Hatori-niisan, ironically enough – and it's stayed with me since. It usually applies.

I hate this, hate this so much that I dread it all year. I spend the months leading up to it in dread, the pit of my stomach never quite uncoiling.

Not the banquet. That's all right; I might even presume to look forward to it. Just the thirteen of us, with Aya-niisan to watch and Akito-sama in a good mood.

But these parties… they're so wonderful, beautiful and… and if only I didn't have to go. It's the second night of Sanga Nichi, and all I can think of is my horrible presumptuousness in disgracing this gathering with my presence.

I try to just stay out of everyone's way, hide in corners and shadows, but as I'm juunishi, "inside," I'm high-status and people keep feeling obligated to talk to me. Even outsiders know that certain among us are especially important to Akito-san, though I'm sure they can't imagine why I should be included…

But right now, no one is trying to inconvenience themselves by talking to me, and I can look. I do, at all of them. Ayame-niisan I gaze at longingly, especially. He's laughing and flirting, lighting up the room, and it never once crosses his mind that anyone does anything but love him, so of course it's true. He's on Hatori-niisan's arm, chattering away so that Hatori-niisan can be irritated in peace, without having to talk with anyone.

Akito-san is being saved the trouble of talking as well – Yuki-san and Shigure are being polite and witty for him, and anyone who gets past them has to face Haru-san's forbiddingly blank stare as he drifts between Yuki-san and Akito-sama.

Isuzu-san and Hiro-kun were making up their own battalion of glares earlier, but now Kisa-chan and Momiji-kun have joined them and there are far more smiles, if Isuzu-san looks more irritated than ever with Momitchi's antics. They form a circle, a bright one, but one which not many are daring to break into.

Kyo-san is glaring in a corner, his look fending off anyone who might try to approach him for any reason. Not that they would, because… well, he's the cat. He's a perfectly nice person, of course, if a bit… frustrated… but everyone knows they're not supposed to go near him. It's cruel to make him come, really.

But still, he has Kazuma-san and Gura-chan. They're talking to each other about Kagura-chan's performance lately and other innocuous things, almost as if they don't know he's there, but they stand just close enough to make plain their solidarity. If someone doesn't want to talk to Kyo, they needn't bother talking to them either.

But the one I really envy… Kureno-san isn't here.

A finger taps my shoulder lightly. "Excuse me, miss…"

I whirl, horrified that I've truly fooled someone, that they might realize their mistake and be embarrassed and it will be all my fault… only please don't let them know, let me just be a girl… But I turn too fast, my elbow catching a hand, and dark red wine spills down the young man's formal yukata.

"I AM SO SORRY! I'VE RUINED YOUR ENTIRE WARDROBE; YOU'LL HAVE TO BUY ANOTHER! THE COST WILL BEGGER YOU I APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR POVERTY YOU SHOULD PUNISH ME FOR MY WICKEDNESS –"

"No… no, it's fine…" the man is backing away rapidly, but I hardly notice, the ugliness inside me spilling over the only way it knows how until a hand clamps over my mouth.

_I'VE MADE A SCENE FATHER WILL BE SO ANGRY IT'S ALL MY FAULT –_ and a hand pokes my side, everything going abruptly loose and hollow.

When my vision clears, Gure-niisan is holding me up, smiling and joking with my father, whose hand was the one over my mouth. People have regained enough composure to pointedly ignore us.

"… no trouble at all, really. Whatever would we do without some amusement at these functions?"

"Thank you for taking the time to control my child," Father says abasently, bowing repeatedly. "We are so grateful, and –"

"Don't blame him!" Mother's gotten here now, face pale and lined with the stress, hands clasped. "It is my fault for bringing him into this world; I should be punished for my unforgivable actions!"

"Ahhh… no, I forgive you," Shigure-niisan says gingerly, trying to control his grin. "But why don't you two return to your conversations and I'll just, ehem, see to Ritchan here."

I bury my face in my hands.

Cook eggs… 

I wish I could die, I really do, but I don't know what happens after. What if, with Akito-san here, there's nowhere to go and you just float…?

I'm not even making sense in my head.

I wish, as Shigure-niisan steers me into a corner, that he wouldn't snicker like that. They are my parents, after all. But he saved me, too, and if Father had gotten there on his own…

"There, now, Rit-chan. D'you want a glass of water or something to help you calm down?" He asks, settling me in a corner.

"No, thank you, Shigure-niisan, thank you so much but I just want to… do you think Akito-san would let me leave?"

"Ah, that's a difficult question, but I think it's safe to say… no. Not a chance. Never."

"You're right… I'm sorry, I'll just… stay here."

He contemplates me a moment, shakes his head in vague exasperation, and pats mine. "Okay then. I'll see you afterwards."

He disappears back into the crowd on his way to Akito-san, and my gaze drifts back to my parents. Father is soothing Mother, his eyes gentle.

She gets so sick… If only I could stop making it worse. He tries to take care of her, but I only make their burden heavier.

I finger my kimono's sleeves dejectedly, trying not to think of what I've just done, and wonder… Could it have been worse? What if I had worn men's clothes? How could I possibly have done worse?

* * *

Eleven Years Earlier

I flinch as I tie my obi over bruises on my ribs, gained when I tripped over my own feet a few days ago, causing everyone trouble.

And wince again as I move my arm, the bruises there worse. If only I could stop making Mother sick, so Father wouldn't have to be so angry…

It's morning on our second day here, possible the worst time of the year. I have all the freshly mortifying memories of the first half of our stay, and the unbearable weight of the other half looming over me still, and worst of all the fact that it's happening _now._

Still, though, it's a beautiful morning and everyone is free to wander as they please for most of the day. I won't have to see anyone, then.

I wore boy's clothing for the parties, at least, but that… didn't end well. And now I just need to hide for a while, hide behind a dress.

People make so many assumptions based on gender. A boy has to be strong and sure and brave, a girl can be weak and uncertain and afraid. It may be a game, survival of the fittest, but no one minds if a girl wants to sit out her turn. It's lauded as self-sacrifice, noble, even.

As if I could ever lay claim to such a title.

But still… a demure, modest, unassuming girl can be those things, and no one pays it any mind.

No one cares.

I tie back my hair and make myself look in the cabinet mirror, to be sure there are no flaws other than the ordinary to burden anyone who should see me with, and then I settle onto a windowsill to read.

I won't go out of my room in this, not in the Main House. My father expressly forbade it. Ren-sama might be displeased and that… would be bad.

I think she knows I do this; she seems to know most things and it's not a secret, precisely. I just keep it away from the family at large because it's easier for them not to have to face it.

I smooth my skirt over my knees, not letting myself crumple the material at the thoughts that race through my mind.

_No. Don't think about grades, or sports, or Mother… just be. _

Or rather, don't be.

I open my book, ready to lose myself between the covers and forget. Which is when my doors snap open.

I jump, heart stuttering and a hand clapped to my chest.

Who would…? 

"Ritsu." Akito-san is like a black hole, somehow, leeching the light from the room, and it's still brighter with the small boy in here.

I've seen how the younger ones act around him, and I think he's different toward them. Won't show them weakness, won't be human. But I've also seen him with us older ones, and with Kagura-chan, who's only a few months younger. I've seen him cry when he thinks no one but Gure-nii, Hatori-niisan, or Kureno-san can see him, and with Kagura-chan and I, I've seen him laugh.

Right now, he opens his mouth to say something and stops, brow wrinkling. "Ritsu," he repeats, voice smothered behind a hand, "…what are you wearing?"

…_Oh. _

"AKITO-SAMA I AM SO SORRY FOR EXPOSING YOU TO THIS SHAMEFUL INDECENCY AT SUCH A TENDER AGE! NOT THAT ANY AGE IS FIT FOR SUCH ABERRATIONS –"

The smack whips my head to one side. It isn't particularly forceful, but coming from a seven-year-old… and the look in his eyes…

_That's why they're afraid of him. _

He smiles, and it's almost worse. I slide from my seat to kneel before him, dropping my head into my hands, but he tangles his fingers in my hair, lifting my face to meet his eyes. "Why," he says very gently, "are you wearing a kimono?"

"Um… Akito-san, be – because it makes me feel more… calm? I, I, I know how awful it is and I try to stop but –"

"Why?"

"I – don't understand." I rub my eyes clear and continue to look down. I can't meet his eyes, can't stand his scorn.

"Why do you try to wear other things?" He frowns contemplatively, absently straightening his yukata at the shoulder. "Why do you try to be better than you are?"

"To… to make my parents happy… they deserve a better son than I am, and I want to be that son and make them proud, I do."

I know his eyes are narrowing from the way his fingers coil tighter. "So…" he muses, and I can see the words drifting into his world as he makes them a part of it. "You feel that you need to change… for them? They make you feel that way?"

I blink, unnerved, trying to meet magnetic eyes that make you see things from where he is.

It isn't a pretty view.

"N – no, of course not, it's not like that…"

His face relaxes into a smile, fingers releasing my hair. It slips, pulled from its tie, down around my face as he runs his fingers over my eyes and cheeks.

"All right, Ritsu." His tone is that of someone humoring a child. "But whatever it's 'like' with your parents, would you like to know what it's like with me?"

"Ah, y – yes, Akito-san, of course."

He sinks into my lap, curling against my chest and making me a safe place. "I love you, Ritsu. And you don't have to wear those ugly jeans and shirts around me anymore." He strokes the silk on my shoulder, face close enough to give butterfly kisses. "You're not going to change, Ritsu, and you needn't waste my time by trying."

"…Yes, Akito-san. Whatever you like."

"Yes," he says simply. His smile melts, innocent and adorable, and he picks up my dropped book. "Read to me."

"Oh. Of – of course. I mean, are you sure there isn't something else you'd rather read…?"

"This will do." He glances at the cover. "Pick up where you left off."

I do, skimming for my place and apologizing for making him wait. I wish I was reading something more suitable for him.

" 'Consequently,'" I resume, " 'Ermengarde spent the greater part of her life in disgrace or in tears.'"

As I read, though I think… No, I don't need to try for him. I don't need to aspire, or strive, or anything. I'll never be better, never be anything, and that isn't good.

" 'She learned things and forgot them; or if she remembered them she did not understand them.'"

But it's nice to just let myself go.

* * *

AN: I am aware there is no such word as "abasently," but there should be. Unless someone else knows an adverb form of "abase"? 

Anyone know what Ritsu was reading? I'll tell if anyone wants to know; I just wondered if anyone recognizes it. I'd offer a reward, but I can't think of anything… an unnamed, within-reason favor?

The "…no. Not a chance. Never." is quoted from _Angel._ I'm including the conversation down at the bottom for fun.

I think this was kind of long, and I didn't mean to play favorites – I cut Kureno off for this very reason – but they just get longer from here on in. Heh – for the two chapters left.

Okay, and feedback! Must have. I'm so insecure about Ritsu. I love him, of course. But... Any way I could write him better… Anything specific I screwed up…

* * *

Fred: So, now that she's alive again, are they ever going to get back together? Angel and the girl with the goofy name? 

Wesley: Well, Fred. That's a difficult question. I think it's safe to say… no. Not a chance. Never. No way. Not in a million years. And also… never.

_--Angel_, "Fredless"


	13. Chapter 13

AN: Yet again, we skip forward those lovely twenty-four hours. More, actually. I don't like doing it, but with only fourteen chapters and so much on the first day needing to be covered…

The song. About that, yes… This is "The Riddle" from the _concept album_ of _The Scarlet Pimpernel._ I cannot stress that enough. I hadn't heard the finished _Pimpernel_ until a few days ago and I am horrified. I'm sure it'll grow on me, but it really did go downhill. The singing, music, even the words they changed… if you listen to the song, which I highly recommend, for god's sake find the concept album.

And I tried to not put it all in, I really did, but it's just so perfect I couldn't help it. I owe thanks to HulaHula, also, for the format – splitting the song up between the beginning and end. The only thing I could think of was all at the beginning or interruption-style songfic, which I don't think I could pull off. She wasn't actually advising me about this fic, but I have pilfered her goodwill nonetheless, so yay for her!

For dedication and disclaimer, see first two chapters.

* * *

Chauvelin:

See the moon slink down in the sky darling  
Every dream is a lie, darling,  
Life is cold and the game is old  
Marguerite:   
Just see how dreaming repays you,  
You turn and someone betrays you,  
Betray him first, and the game's reversed  
Both:   
For we all are caught in the middle  
Of one long dangerous riddle  
Can I trust you?

Should you trust me too?

And we're all alone in this hell  
And we all have secrets to sell  
And there comes a day

When we sell our souls away

Chauvelin:   
Here's the one sweet lesson of history  
Ev'ry soul is a mystery,  
Faces change,

What you knew grows strange

Marguerite:   
And we all have so many faces,  
The real self often erases  
With all those lies, dancing in our eyes…

* * *

Chapter Thirteen

Present

_This is the last night. _

I keep telling myself that, but can't afford to lose sight of the fact that it isn't true. That it will be every single night until I make this stop. Until I can hold my dream in my hands…

But this will, at least, be the last night for nearly a year – less a few days, but who's counting? – that I have to stare at the ceiling and know that somewhere under this same roof he's in someone else's arms.

Probably Yuki, tonight. He'll need a more recent reminder than I.

I'll make it the rest of the year on two nights of seeing Akito retreat to his bedroom with Kureno following right behind.

This jealousy is pointless, in a way. Akito is mine, and no matter who else he's with that doesn't change… No matter who. So it doesn't matter, in theory.

In practice, that's not true. Him being with Kureno… it feels more legitimate. More as if there is a replacement, for all I can hardly fathom it. The little boy who followed me around when he had a free moment with worshipful eyes, cried in my arms when his mother died, and never stood a chance with Akito because, in the end, he wanted me to win… that little boy… Well, you never can anticipate the turns life takes, can you? And isn't that what makes it so much _fun_?

Yuki, on the other hand, while I can't help the twist of jealousy, is just a dearly beloved toy. Anything Akito does with that boy is just another expression of ownership from a young man who can't sort out his attractions and has no concept of right or wrong as applying to anything he does.

But then we come back to Kureno. And what is it they have? Mutual dependency, perhaps? I read once that "Being in love is a tragedy, because on person always loves more than the other." I believe it applies, but for the life of me I'm not sure which of our triumvirate are the victims of that "greater" love. Probably all of us, in a way.

It isn't healthy to obsess over things like this, now, is it? And normally, while the thoughts never leave my mind, they're background noise. I wouldn't be me without them, but they can be tuned in and out of easily, the unseen motivation behind every breath I take, but invisible nonetheless.

However, at New Year's they tend to take the foreground.

And my usual distractions are rather cut off. Writing has to take the backseat while there are people and situations to be constantly nudged about, things that need to be monitored. A drinking game with Ayame, too, would come in handy about now – a rare treat. The man can hold his own weight in liquor, but he flat-out refuses to do anything so "horridly unhealthy, Gure-san! You have to respect your body, you know? It is a temple, after all!" unless Ha-san or I need a drinking partner.

But while Akito is willing to turn a blind eye to the friends-with-benefits arrangement, doing it in the Main House would be pushing things too far for casual comfort. So no spending the night with my favorite snake.

And if Ha-san doesn't get some sleep this month he'll collapse.

So it's just me and my thoughts of the many-splendored thing.

Most of the year, I have a fairly comfortable position in our little circle. Akito is intelligent and not exactly human, but he's still an eighteen-year-old boy who – as ambivalent as the feeling may be – loves me. He might not be able to stand the sight of me, but even less can he send me away, metaphorically speaking of course. All of which makes him fairly easy to handle for everyday matters.

It's just the other things, the special occasions, that get so tricky…

_And we just keep cycling back here, don't we…? _

As fascinating as the knotholes in the ceiling are, they have ceased to distract and sleep is proving as wonton a mistress as my one true love, so I roll from bed and walk into the next room, to my desk, intending on rolling that die and seeing if (4 or 6 and she lives) my heroine is going to survive her cancer.

However, on my way to play with the fates of mice and men, I am interrupted when my door slides open and Hatsuharu slips in.

"No one saw me," he announces immediately.

"Ah… that's wonderful, Haa-kun, but what on earth are you doing?" I settle back against my desk, crossing my arms with an open smile.

"I kind of wanted to ask you a favor. But even if you do it, I'm not going to call you Sensei-sama, so don't even ask."

I laugh. I'm fairly certain he's joking… though, with his deadpan delivery it can be hard to tell… "Hm. Well, wait one moment while I ponder just what my lovely young cousin wants in my room in the dead of night." I sigh obnoxiously, eyes glazing, and then shake my head clear. "All right. Reality may now intrude. What can I get for you?"

Haru, who tends to take that sort of thing so in stride that it becomes rather pointless, answers, "Kisa –"

"I'm sorry, Haa-kun, but I worry about the tender ages involved."

" – got kind of upset the other day by something someone said, and I can't get her to stop worrying about it. You know how she obsesses... And now it's giving her nightmares." He looks at me seriously and with a hint of sorrow. "I want you to lie to her. Make it go away. You're good at that."

I clap a hand to my chest and blink rapidly, the picture of a man touched beyond words. "Why, Haa-kun, your trust honors me! Of course I will defeat Satchan's horrid terrors, action-hero that I am."

"Thanks, Sensei." He shifts toward the door. "I'll go first. Check for spies. Too bad we don't have walky-talkies. Oh, and Sensei?"

I lift an inquisitive eyebrow as he looks over his shoulder. "I'm really grateful for all the stuff you do for us." His voice drops, eyes… sympathetic? "But just so we're clear? I don't trust you."

On that fine exit line, he pauses, then slips out, and I stand in the dark, waiting.

_Ah, Haa-kun… when you throw someone your lifeline, it doesn't matter if you like them. _

_I'm all you've got. _

* * *

One Year Earlier

"Akito-san." I bow low enough that I don't have to meet his eyes, head to the mats, torso on my folded knees.

Already, I'm running through the conversation that will ensue in my head, the script it will follow. The same one established on my first visit back after being given the Sohma equivalent of the couch – a new house. A few deviations in honor of the occasion – the first day of the New Year's celebrations – but other than that, a safe routine Akito hides behind.

We don't touch. We don't mention what happened between us or the people who facilitated the process. We are almost polite, and I am not to make him laugh unless I want to be sent away immediately after. We don't speak of anything important at all, unless you count Yuki, which frankly I don't, not in this context.

Living with that boy has been… interesting. Apart from an inability to clean, cook, or perform similar chores I might have hoped to stick on him, he's a dream housemate. Stays out of my way unless I seek him out, can very intelligently hold up his end of a conversation, and is too wary to be needy.

Only he looks like him. It is, I imagine, somewhat like going through a divorce and getting stuck with the kid. A living, breathing reminder of all I've lost.

Temporarily. Temporarily lost.

And, as with the child of a "broken home", he's become the safe middle ground, no man's land. I know for a fact that any reference to him is safe, and Akito refers the conversation back to him whenever things become in the least uncomfortable for him.

It's getting a tad wearing.

"Shigure," he breathes from his window. It has been approximately ten seconds since I entered the room, and so… three, two, one… "How is Yuki faring?"

I sit back, facing him with a smile. "Swimmingly, as much as he no doubt pines for your august presence. He'll be along shortly himself, although it was taking him rather longer to pack than anticipated."

Akito huffs, sounding unnervingly like Hatori, and picks at his robe, which is very definitely not like Hatori. "He's stalling."

"…"

"And yourself?"

"Just wonderfully. I'm about to contract for another book with darling Mii-chan, if that's all right with you."

His eyes narrow, though he waves a dismissively permissive hand.

I give an ostentatiously contented sigh, concluding, "And so ends this week's episode of _Life at Shigure's House_." I run back over the conversation leading to the narrowed eyes, which have yet to relax, and continue, "I was thinking, though, of having Mii-chan over for a sort of post-holiday celebration next week, give her a break from her daily drudgery. Show her a good time, sort of thing. I don't suppose I could interest you in joining us?"

His fingers, graceful as dancers, are twisted his hem into tortured shapes.

"It would be nice to have another man along, really… keep it from becoming something that might make Mayuko-chan jealous, you know."

"… Whatever you like. Just don't expect me to be there. And how is he faring in school?" The control he still has is almost visibly breaking, and I've let it slide up until now.

But, well, it is New Year's. What better time for a screaming match than a family holiday? There are traditions to uphold.

And I'm tired of this invisible elephant in the room. It's taking up too much space.

"And, then," I add, ignoring his question, "I could always invite Ren along. I'm sure she'd be happy to provide me with an alibi –"

The teacup shatters above my head, showering me with china, something that moments before had been perfect, symmetrical, smooth, abruptly broken and dangerous.

"Don't you speak of her to me!" He hisses, the order painfully close to a plea.

"Akito…" I rise slowly, as he turns to face me, knuckles white on the ledge.

"_Don't_ –"

Not good enough. "I slept with your mother. You really need to accept this and move on." I announce flippantly.

His face pales with disbelieving rage as he slips down to stand facing me. "I need to _what?_"

"I would bet good money that you heard me. Unless something's wrong with your hearing today?"

He opens his mouth, fists rising, and then abruptly calms, fists coming apart – nothing but hands. His mouth, twisted with fury, loses its tension as one of his loosened hands comes up to cover it. It looks as if he's trying not to say something, and then, floodgates broken, he darts forward, hand flying from his mouth to tangle in the front of my yukata.

"Why?"

"…Why did I sleep with her?" I repeat incredulously.

"Yes! I don't understand…" I thought watching him try to ignore the dagger in his back, refusing to acknowledge the blood, had been painful, but it's nothing compared to watching him acknowledge it.

It's agony.

It's exactly what I want.

"You can tell me with a straight face that you don't understand after I walked in on you and Kureno in the immediate aftermath of – pardon my French – fucking?"

He draws back slightly. "You… you have no right to question that! That is a decision I have made, as your god! And…" He winds the cloth in his hand around his knuckles, studying it as if he can't meet my eyes, fighting not to say something.

I wait.

"I… didn't do it to… hurt you." He finally bursts out. And hurriedly rushes on from what might, almost, be something of an admission of… not guilt, but… "You know I did it because I love him, not to hurt you, and that I have every right to do whatever I choose. You… none of these rules apply to me! I am god! So why….? Was…" He's actually blushing, and for an instant he drops his chin, nothing but a boy of eighteen, and finishes, "Was it me? Was I… unsatisfactory?"

"That," I clear my throat and try very hard, with him right there, finally within touching distance after what seems like years, not to dwell on specific memories, "is very definitely not the reason, no."

"Then why? I don't understand. _You love me_."

I reach up and cup his cheek in my hand. "All my life, I've never loved anything else."

"…But you hurt me…"

"I know."

_Because I needed to prove to you that you're human, and even if you can't see it yet, my love… you are. So very human. And I'll soon bring you down. _

_Whoever said Lucifer didn't love God? And with these new scrolls, we do know Judas loved Jesus… _

He keeps searching my eyes, but despite all the things we do understand each other in, this one he cannot grasp.

I sigh. "Akito-san, what if I apologized right now? Came begging on my knees for absolution? Even if I did that… would you be able to let me back in?" _If I could do it, risk losing what respect I've gained, beneath the layers of hate… _

"…No." His hands fall away helplessly and he pulls his face away from my hand as he says what I've trapped him into saying. "No."

I wonder if he could, and from the desperation in his eyes I'm fairly certain that begging to assuage his pride would heal everything that needs immediate attention.

At first.

But we're none of us children any more; once burned, twice shy. And we're both carrying brands.

"Get out," he murmurs, waving a hand as he turns away. I think he's going to cry and wonder who he'll have hold him.

"Of course." I bow. "I'll see you at the banquet, Akito-san."

I walk out, not quite closing the door behind me, and again, we're both alone in our separate darknesses.

* * *

Both:

And we all are caught in the middle  
Of one long dangerous riddle  
Can I trust you?

Should you trust me too?

We're all alone in this hell  
And we all have secrets to sell  
And there comes a day,

When we sell our souls away

Chauvelin:   
Can I run to you?  
Are you true to me?  
I'll do unto you,  
As you do to me,  
And we slowly learn  
Someone has to burn

Both:   
Better you than me

Oh ev'ry Judas once loved a Jesus  
But oh betrayal will seize us  
And only fools follow golden rules  
We all are caught in the middle  
Of one long dangerous riddle  
Of who trusts who  
Maybe I'll trust you  
But can you trust me  
Wait and see.

* * *

AN: I know this last scene had – or will have, depending on when these things get posted – a fair few things in common with _Let it Burn _(I'm never sure whether to italicize or quotation-mark these things…), and I could have re-written it. But by the time I came back to it to type it and all – it was written way before _LiT_ – enough time had elapsed that I didn't feel especially Repeato-girl. And more importantly, I think it serves as a nice contrast between the two versions of Akito. Shigure's pretty much the same, but Akito is kind of a different person, so… there's that. 

Akito's "Was it me?" is from (with modifications, because Akito just wouldn't say "not good") is from _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_'s "Innocence."

Shigure's "All my life…" is also from _BtVS_, in this case "Wild at Heart." And actually, Oz says, "My whole life," but the other way seemed to fit Shii-chan better.

The "Being in love…" is quoted exactly from Deepak Chopra's _The Return of Merlin_, though he implied he had gotten it elsewhere. An interesting if highhanded and self-righteous book.

The reference to the scrolls is real. Someone's found some ancient bits of paper saying that Judas loved Jesus (not like that, you filthy people!) and Jesus loved him and the whole kiss thing was a set-up because Jesus wanted to be martyred.


	14. Chapter 14

AN: Uwaaa! I am so squealishly excited! I have… wait for it, and drum roll please… fifty reviews on this story. That's a big old five-oh, there, people. More, actually, counting the ones that were PMed because they wouldn't go through. Uh-huh. Thank each and every one of you so much! It's the best finishing-story present ever.

One little thing about the quote – I need some understanding with the switching of gender pronouns as, obviously, Yuki is not exactly of the same chromosomal persuasion as our sweet Kate. And she meant it about death – I'm applying it to Yuki's life.

Dedication: One last time – for this fic, anyway – Katia, Katia all the way.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did, it would imply a talent for drawing. You know, just a little. Guess what, I can't. But I can write fanfiction! Feel the power.

…Yes, that counts as power, dammit.

* * *

But big girls don't cry, right? You said gone's gone, and there's no use wallowing. Worms and dirt and nothing, forever. And not one word about a better place. You couldn't even tell a scared little girl a beautiful lie.

– Kate Lockley, "Sense and Sensitivity," _Angel _

_

* * *

_

Chapter Fourteen

The cat is locked away behind bars. That's its fate, every time. How it's always been. So it deserves it, of course.

Still… still, if it was anyone else… it wouldn't be tolerated, would it? Locking someone away, denying them any life, future, soul, of their own – wouldn't someone make it stop?

But no one cares if there are no bars. No one saves you from nothing. And if you stay, you have no one to blame but yourself.

There are perks to being an insider Sohma. The whole family knows this. And like most things classified under common knowledge, it's a legend.

Not wrong. No, not a lie. Merely… misrepresented. A grain of technical truth buried in layers of cloying myth.

Every good thing in my life, everything that should protect me, is double-edged. Holding onto them only cuts me up inside. But I just hold tighter, and I don't know why. Because I'm so used to the pain that I don't want to go without it? Because I don't want to feel the nothingness that threatens? A presence or an absence…?

People prefer heat and light. Our bodies are designed to operate under circumstances providing these things; we've evolved this way. Chosen it, you could say. This predilection leads us to assume that these things are natural. That isn't true.

Darkness and cold… these things are an absence. Heat and light are unnatural, forced. They come and go. And what you have without them…

No matter how fast the light goes, the darkness gets there first.

This absence is always lying just beneath the veneer. Most people can ignore this fact.

_Don't be mistaken. _

It would be easier to believe in that, in the beautiful lie of all things bright and beautiful.

I wish I could. I wish I could live in that belief, wish I could climb from this hole I've fallen into myself, but I can't and no one else even sees that I've fallen but Haru and Akito.

Akito's why I've fallen.

And all Haru can do, my Orpheus, is follow me down, and I don't know why he does.

So I've made up a story and told myself it's true, and it gives me enough light to see by. In this story, the world is a bright and warm place, and that's fine, because it's wrong. Unnatural, as it should be. And we, the Sohmas, our world is _right_, because it's cold and dark.

But if I could just get out…

Sometimes I'm not even strong enough to believe that much, but I always come back to it because, in the end, I cannot be without it.

* * *

"Yuki." Akito's hair sweeps across my face as he leans over from behind. 

I slowly force myself to consciousness, taking in small things, a bit at a time. I'm on Akito's futon, on my left side, facing the doors. His hand is on my arm. It's warm and dark and I don't want to move.

I'm a heavy sleeper. Every time I close my eyes… but they always open again, and here, once they open, it's hard to get them closed again. "What time is it?" I ask blearily, moving to sit up.

"I don't know." He sounds aggrieved, tugging on my top arm until I roll onto my back, instantly regretting it but gritting my teeth until the pain fades. "Shigure was knocking." He drops his head onto my chest, pulling the covers closer. He doesn't like getting up in the mornings either – gets cold too easily.

I very carefully don't move. I should get up. I know that, and almost, I want to. Ans with any morning, it's not precisely appealing. But staying here is, if anything… not worse, but…

I can't see his face, but I can hear the bitter pleasure in his smile. "I told him to go away and let you sleep. However, since I'm always thinking of you, I did wake you eventually. I'm sure you'll want to run away as quickly as possible."

"Well," I reason, gauging his mood gingerly as I rub my eyes clear, "the house shouldn't stand empty, and Shigure will want to stay here a while longer, so I should get back. And I'm helping Mother and Father say farewell to the morning departures, as well…" He doesn't object, and then sits up with a small huff of annoyance, sliding his legs from under the blanket and reaching for his yukata.

I stand. Another day. One at a time.

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow… 

And there was no need to tell him that I would be with the farewell party. I always am. Me in the morning, Shigure in the evening. Always.

Scraping together my scattered clothes quickly, I bundle most of them on and fold the others into a pile. I only need to get back to my rooms to take a shower and change, so beyond a nominally suitable outward appearance there isn't much to concern myself with as regards to my wardrobe.

"Have you seen…" he's holding it, my sweater. Mostly dressed, he's sitting on the end of the futon, running his hands over the white wool, picking the lint off it.

"Most people would assume you take care of things like this. A tidy room with a place for everything and everything in its place."

I could just leave the room. I don't need the sweater for a walk down the hallway.

"…" I sit slowly beside him.

His mouth twists into a smile, eyes – black in this light – never leaving the white cloth. "I know you better."

"…Yes."

He turns to look at me with labyrinth eyes, fingers curling around my wrist. "Don't go too deep, Yuki. It just means I have to reach further in to find you, and there's only so much room inside."

I nod.

He doesn't see, then…? It's too late. There's already nothing left but shell. The only time there's anything inside me is when someone else fills me up.

There is supposed to be a place inside of you that only you can reach. A soul, I could call it. A center.

But I seem to have lost mine, and the empty place where it should be is numb.

The only one who can still make it hurt, make me feel anything deep down inside…

Akito hands me my sweater dismissively, eyes searching mine, and pulls me into an embrace. I stiffen, still sore and aching, but he traces patterns through my hair and along my back, whispering nothingness until I'm too tired to do anything but loosen into his arms.

Only then does he kiss my forehead and let go.

I rise to my knees, instinctively combing my fingers through his hair, straightening it in the same way I would my own if I saw it mussed in a reflection.

"I'll be back after I see the exodus off, to say goodbye," I remind him, looking down to his upturned face.

He nods, wrapping his hands around my waist and dropping his head against my chest again. I bite my tongue, his touch eliciting the fear it always will because part of me needs it. "To say," he corrects, "_au revoir_."

* * *

Hours Later

I take comfort in knowing what to do, how to look, what to say. The rat should be perfect, mannerly; I am perfect and mannerly.

It's nice to know, always, how to act.

I bow to another fleeing family member. I recite the name that goes with the face, smile and make Akito's excuses – so ill, and all this excitement, so sorry not to have been able to see you again – then I listen and answer when required, and eventually they go away.

Mother and Father and I have this shift together, a show of familial bonds to reassure everyone that all is well within the higher, inner sanctum of the family.

Father's plane leaves in five hours. I have no idea what his destination is or when he'll be back. And I suppose we're hoping no one remembers Nii-san.

More faces and names. So many and I don't know any of them, not really. All we have in common, the only thing binding us, is blood. And sometimes I wonder if I haven't spilled so much of that that I shouldn't be considered a Sohma any longer…

Only that isn't all, is it. There's tradition. There is how it has always been and so will always be.

And at any rate, no matter how much blood I lose, I always have more. My body persists in filling my veins and heart, permeating my being, with the bonds of the curse. I suppose Akito wouldn't make me bleed like this if he didn't know there was always more.

Or maybe he would. It's not as if I'm of any real use to him. I wouldn't even question the fact that he would, only… when I woke up that night, after the pills, in Hatori's office surrounded by machines and with his head on my torso, asleep… his eyes were crusted, cheeks sticky, with the tears that were always mine.

_Smile, nod, and bow. All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players…_

I realize that the woman Mother is talking to now is Haru's mom, and look around for him.

Warm darkness, the smell of leather, as his bicycle-glove covered hand closes over my eyes from behind. "Guess who."

"Haru, what are you doing?"

"Interesting question. One of the imponderables." He drops his hand, coming around to face me with both in his pockets now. "…Just living."

I raise an eyebrow, tugging him out of the way of the meandering departures. "I meant more immediately."

"Oh. Avoiding my mom, talking to my Yun-chan."

"Yuki-kun! It's been so nice to be here again!"

I turn, smiling automatically, to the woman approaching us with two small children being herded in front of her. "Araki-san. Yes, it's been a pleasure to see you."

"So I understand you've moved out of the Main House?" Incredulity stains her voice. "Oh, yes. Just a few miles, though."

"My, that must be a significant change." _And why would you want it,_ ring the unspoken words.

I think of school, and living here, and the bars that have become that much more solid with every day that they aren't there.

"No, not so much," I say.

"You'll give my regards to Akito-sama? I understand the poor boy's feeling ill again…"

I open my mouth to say something that will make the sickness sound dire enough to tear him from his beloved family and her in particular, but not bad enough to be alarming, and Haru slings an arm around my shoulder.

"There is," he announces in his monotonous voice, "a darkness on his soul. It saps him of his strength."

"Ah. Yes… well. It's been nice seeing you as well, Hatsuharu-kun. But we have to be off before someone misses their nap…" She hurries away and I drop my face into my hands.

"Haru…"

"What? He does. And neither of you wanted to be talking. Come on, let's go."

"Go? Go where? …I mean, I can't, I have things I need to do here."

"Mm, yeah… but, it's boring."

"That isn't the point." I glare. Why does he have to be so…

"Yuki." Mother sounds distinctly unhappy, and I cringe without meaning to. "Do you two need to go somewhere to chat, or are you going to help me out here the way you're supposed to?"  
"No, we're done," I reply, recovering the way I always do.

She sighs and returns, already smiling, to her post.

I make a shooing motion to Haru, who smiles patiently. He's always patient, especially with me. It makes me want to push him, see what he'll let me do before he gets angry, makes me sorry, like…

I wonder – is this how Akito feels about me? Wondering how much I can take?

"I'll help you pack," he says, patting my head in his odd way and pretending that he doesn't know I am packed, that I've been living from my suitcase.

"Thank you." Because I do need him.

"See you," he calls over his shoulder, already disappearing into the inner House.

_Yes, you will. _

Probably someone else needs him more, right now – Momiji or Rin, even the stupid cat.

I turn to the next visitor and smile.

The family will always be excepting. Haru will always be waiting. Akito will always be beckoning.

And I'll always be there. What can I do besides fulfill those expectations?

* * *

Tyrants smile with their last breath

For they know that at their death,

Tyranny just changes hands,

Serfdom lives on in their lands.

– Heinrich Heine, "King David"

* * *

AN: That's all! No more to this story. Whoot, my longest one ever. Though, interestingly, despite having way more chapters it was not actually longer than FTH, with its six or seven chapters – even with all these quotes and ANs – until about chapter twelve or so. 

So… let me know how I did? Eh? Eh?

And the closing quote needs some understanding as well, since Heinrich and I have very different aims in its meaning.

"No matter how fast the light goes…" is from Terry Pratchett, one of the _Discworld_ books. It isn't exact, because I can't find which book it is to get the actual quote, but it is his phrase at heart.

God, he's a genius… I don't like comedy, generally speaking, but he is just a genius.

Oops, and almost forgot - it is pretty obvious, right? The bits from Shakespeare? Well, I didn't make up "Tomorrow, and..." or "All the world's a stage..."

And that's it, it's over.


End file.
